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UC Prompt - How my world has shaped my dreams and aspirations - "hologram"


MarleyWH 5 / 12  
Aug 2, 2010   #1
Hey there! Just signed up to EF to hopefully get some feedback on this little essay I just wrote, thanks!

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

THE HOLOGRAM

Last night I dreamt of a hologram -- a hologram emanating from between the frequencies of reality, and possessing such blinding intricacies as to link my mind with its own complexity in a seamless connection, impossible to perceive from any other vantage point but from within. By defining this dream, I divine myself. At the core of my personal definition lies my view of the world as an endless puzzle to be solved with elegance and respect befitting the challenge. My pursuit is to better understand and further discover the world around us and the world within ourselves.

Raised in an open-minded household, my parents always encouraged seeking answers and finding truth. As a child and teenager, freedom was an integral part of life. As a young child I had free range of my house, and as I grew older, my neighborhood. The gaining years found me roaming across the states and traveling on my own. This freedom to explore and learn has allowed me to appreciate the grand and astonishing accomplishments of the human race and the natural world, and has inspired me to the same degree with a fascination for the myriad of minutia that populates every present moment. I find that the beauty of the coherence between these disparate elements surpasses even that of Mozart or Picasso in scope and awe. Finding and understanding the laws that govern these processes has driven me to pursue a path of logic and science.

With such an unbounded lifestyle, surely my parents must have exerted some control, as no child inherently knows societal rights and wrongs. It is true, my parents were watchful, present, and caring, but they would only punish me for one thing: stupidity. Stupidity defined any action or remark that was not considered, either for its implications, its consequences, or selfish intents. I quickly learned an appreciation for forethought in my ideas and selflessness in my actions. Out of this framework, I developed the ideas and concepts that I would later use to perceive myself, the world, and every human interaction. I have come to understand that an egocentric view of the world causes pain not only to those who uphold it, but also to those around them. I have come to see the richness of interwoven thoughts, feelings, memories, and emotions of every moment in my life that I experience as the same consciousness present in every other person. If we live with the knowledge that we all experience life in this amazingly complex and fundamentally beautiful way, there is no longer any room for selfishness, pain, or anger. My drive is to bring understanding to others, through study, research, and technological innovation in the fields that I see as paramount: applied computer science and neuroscience.

Further, being raised in a family of doctors (both of my grandfathers, my uncle, my mother, and my father to count a few) has given me a physical symbol of this ideology of selfless beauty in the minutia. The act of amassing an encyclopedic knowledge of the human mind and body is only the first step toward becoming a doctor. Not only does one have to understand the interconnections of the most complex chemistry puzzle ever discovered, but also one must apply this knowledge to save the lives of other human beings. This symbol of grand knowledge for the purpose of saving life has been ever-present in my family. This is a powerful source of the ideals that guide me.

To learn the truth, to discover the universe, and to appreciate beauty are my goals. This is not all, however, for one may be content to sit back and bask in one's knowledge and perception with no thought of others. I have a fundamentally unshakable drive instilled within me from my life experiences to apply this knowledge to selfless acts and to share this beauty with the world.
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Aug 2, 2010   #2
Hi Marley!

I've got to say that you write really well.

Now, why have you used...umm...what do I say...a poetic tone in this essay? (I'm not sure if I expressed it correctly). I thought your essay is full of some vague examples. I'll point out a few.

At the core of my personal definition lies my view of the world as an endless puzzle to be solved with elegance and respect befitting the challenge

inspired me with a fascination for the myriad of minutia that populate every present moment

To learn the truth, to discover the universe, and to appreciate the beauty is my goal

Although, this is a really good piece of writing, I'm not sure how effective it will be for an admission purpose.
OP MarleyWH 5 / 12  
Aug 2, 2010   #3
Hey thanks for replying! Ok, I definitely see what you are saying about my vague poetical humdrum haha, I could "solidify" it some more and add some more specifics,
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 3, 2010   #4
I'll change a semi-colon to a dash. A semi-colon should separate 2 phrases that could be complete sentences on their own:
Last night I dreamt of a hologram -- a hologram emanating from between the frequencies of reality, and possessing such...

By defining this dream I divine myself. At the core of my personal definition lies my view of the world as an endless puzzle to be solved with elegance and respect befitting the challenge. --- excellent!! I like it...

My pursuit is to better understand, and further discover the world around us and the world within ourselves. Yuck... too general and melodramatic. Do you know what I mean by general? Every student could say the same thing about what they want to pursue...

Raised in an open-minded household, I have always been encouraged by my parents to seek answers and find truth. ----- this is an example of a sentence where words can be removed and the reader will still understand. Use fewer words.

Same thing here:
As a child and teenager I was allowed a lot of freedom.

As a young child I had free range of my house, and as I grew older, my neighborhood. Older still I was allowed to roam across the state and travel to foreign countries on my own. --- good sentence!!

To learn the truth, to discover the universe, and to appreciate the beauty is my goal. these are three goals, so you should say 'these are my goals.' Yet, I think you should get rid of this fluff. You already appreciate beauty, and you are standing in the universe. Take out the fluff, and talk about your real, concrete plan for the next few years. Show that you are have a vision for the future.

"selfless acts of kindness"-- cliche!

I like all your ideas, and you write very well, but you should write about real aspirations! How will you make a difference in the world, and what will that effort reflect about the world from which you come?
mea505 - / 265  
Sep 13, 2010   #5
Wow! A very well-written essay, indeed. After you made the few corrections, it reads well. You are certainly very gifted! I didn't find any fault with the syntax or the grammar.

Mark


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