Please review my essay & help me make it better! Thanks!
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
In today's world, dreams and aspirations are a must-have. A #2 pencil and a dream can certainly take us a long way, even if there are obstacles in between. For me, it has been a rocky road since my childhood, but that is no excuse for me to hold back on my dreams and aspirations. My world has always been a small, rural town, yet I feel that this has not been an anchor but an engine for me. I have always lived in Mendota, and, for most people, when they think of Mendota they think of poverty and farmland. In reality, they are right. It is a place with high unemployment, long lines for free food, and little faith on education. However, I do not want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me.
With the influence of my parents, I know I will be able to create this change I want to see. My parents, through their struggles, showed me the value of an education, and how it can improve the quality of life. Both my mother and father came from El Salvador with no money in their pockets, but with dreams in their hearts. For a long time, they had to move around and live in horrible conditions because they were undocumented and uneducated. It was not a fun experience and therefore my parents constantly stressed the importance of an education. Even though my parents did not directly guide me, they taught me the important lesson of responsibility by having me overcome challenges on my own. I am no stranger when it comes to challenges, and I am more than ready to conquer my next one: extending my education.
As I prepare to enter the world of college, I have decided to take the road less traveled and I am determined to attend one of the top universities in the state. After much consideration, I am certain that business is what lights up my fire, and I plan to major in Business Administration since I have always been fascinated when it comes to taking care of business. In the future, I plan on working for a major corporation or even owning my own. My aim is to be a successful business man who can drive the society with his enterprising work.
However, I will not limit myself to just reaching this goal. I also plan to serve as a role model for other students. I intend to come back to my hometown and inspire upcoming generations who are surrounded by a negative environment, just like mine. I will do community service such as speaking at conferences, volunteering, and helping the youth. My aspiration is to prepare students for success and allow them to establish a better future for our entire country.
To reach these goals, I know that I must work very hard and I believe that the University of California will give me the challenge and preparation I need. The time has come, and I hope the world is ready for me because I know I am ready for the world!
Good writing style. Some issues I have:
In today's world, dreams and aspirations are a must-have. A #2 pencil and a dream can certainly take us a long way, even if there are obstacles in between.For me, it has been a rocky road since my childhood, but that is no excuse for me to hold back on my dreams and aspirations.
These sentences are unnecessary, I would start with the fourth sentence with some revision.
After much consideration, I am certain that business is what lights up my fire, and I plan to major in Business Administration since I have always been fascinated when it comes to taking care of business. In the future, I plan on working for a major corporation or even owning my own. My aim is to be a successful business man who can drive the society with his enterprising work.
Businessmen aren't known for their charitableness, even though you might mean well. I would rephrase this, at least.
Thanks for the advice Reach!
I made some changes. What do you think?
The world I live in has always been a small, rural town, yet I feel that this has not been an anchor but an engine for me. I have always lived in...
And I'm not sure how to rephrase the last part. Do u think I should remove a sentence or two?
I think you should bring your first paragraph to a close sooner, ad give a thesis sentence that really lets the reader know the focus of the essay.
...even if there are obstacles in to overcome.
I intend to come back to my hometown and inspire upcoming generations who are surrounded by a negative environment, just like mine.----> Excellent!
You could mention a little more about the way the U. of California appals to the "person you have become." I'm sorry if I didn't get here in time to help before you sent it out!!
:-)
