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My world-- UC personal statement


alalaprincess 2 / 8  
Oct 4, 2009   #1
Please give feedback. I dont know if the topic is too typical. I might go and write about something else, more unique, if necessary.

Being the first in my family to go to college is not easy at all. Every time I ask my mom about college requirements, she says, "I don't know." Every time I ask my dad about financial aid, he says, "I don't know." Obviously, they don't know much about education, but I don't blame them.

My parents are immigrants from the Philippines. They brought me here, in the United States, when I was two years old along with my sister and brother. They don't know how to speak English very well so they couldn't really help me or my siblings at school. I grew up learning only from my teachers, knowing they're the only ones who can help me get to where I want to be in life.

When I entered high school, the fact that none of my family members went to college really hit me as a major disadvantage. I had to figure out everything by myself. I felt like a lost child in circus full of distractions. The only thing motivating me was myself. I knew I didn't want to be like my parents. I wanted to be successful, have a career that I loved, and most importantly, I wanted to be able to help my own kids in their road of education.

I was aware that what I did I high school would affect what I did after high school so I did as much as I can. I took all honors courses, joined several school activities, and became involved in my school's magnet program. I would constantly check up on certain test dates and deadlines, I would always ask my counselor questions about college, and I would incessantly remind myself that my dream of being successful is possible; it wasn't going to be easy, but it was possible.

My world consists of challenges, and the fact that I had to go through them alone made me the independent person I am today. I know how tough it is for first generation students to go to college. That's why I aspire to become a guidance counselor or teacher. I want to help those students who have questions that their parents can't answer. When their parents tell them "I don't know," just as my parents have, I want to turn to them and say "I know. This is what it is and this is how you do it..."

pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Oct 4, 2009   #2
They don't know how to speak English very well so they couldn't really help me or my siblings at school.

make sure you point out that "they" = your parents. it sounds like "they" are your sister and brothers.

personally, i find your essay somewhat..colloquial. Try to make it a bit more formal and intellectual.

A little cliche topic but the theme is well-written.

Please read mine:
Moonshadow0302 - / 68  
Oct 4, 2009   #3
See if you can say anything positive about your parents while you're at it - this sounds completely negative and sounds like you're cribbing about them.

Also you need to get your tenses right, you jump from present to past to future a bit-

so I did as much as I can.

so I did as much as I could.

I would constantly check up on certain test dates and deadlines

What dates are these by the way? Specify.
The rest is ok.
OP alalaprincess 2 / 8  
Oct 4, 2009   #4
Your link does not work.

I don't really like this essay so i might not even use it. I'm going to write another one anyways. But thanks guyys.


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