Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Thirty-eight. Thirty-eight unique individuals in the graduating class of the school that I've attended since seventh grade whose interests range from theater to anime to League to Legends. I've grown up alongside most of my current friends since middle school and although we don't share all of the same interests, most of us love Java programming. Our Advanced Computer Programming class that we're taking this year is taught by a man who, like most teachers in my school, I've grown close to during high school. Mr. Berniker and I talk about the NBA and college all the time and he's genuinely interested about his students' lives and interests. Even though he's a teacher, I can tell him almost anything because I know that we'll be able to have a conversation about it without any awkwardness borne from the teacher-student relationship. For example, just recently I was talking to him about the Warriors-Clippers game and how that game showed the utter dominance of the Golden State Warriors.
In this class, I'm learning concepts that typically second-year college students learn: heaps, linked lists, graphs, stacks, queues, and more. I still can't believe that I have the opportunity to learn these concepts two years before a student normally would. The reason why the class was created this year was because my friends and I had already completed AP Computer Programming and wanted to continue learning programming. I didn't have to join a club or another group of friends to be able to share my interest with others because of the fact that my classmates are so diverse and all know each other well after at least four years of growing up together. Like my friend Sidh says, our friends are "STEM kids." Now, nearing the end of the one-semester class, I'm confident enough to ask Mr. Berniker to do HP Code Wars (an annual high school coding competition) problems from previous years alone rather than in groups like we do at Code Wars. I just love programming now; I'll make nifty yet simple programs in my spare time partly to refresh myself on old concepts and partly because it's gratifying to be able to make a computer do a task for you, such as displaying the times table. After one and a half years of programming, I've became a programming "nerd" thanks to Mr. Berniker's rigorous yet enjoyable class and I'm ready to learn even more in college and pursue my goal of becoming a software engineer.
I can definitely see how Mr. Berniker had an impact on your life and your dreams/aspirations of becoming a software engineer. The tone is casual and somewhat easy to follow. Now time for some corrections
...to anime to League to Legends. (should to be of ? As in League of Legends?)
...years of programming, I've became a programming... (Do you mean I have become or I became ?)
As for the content, I think it's your own dedication and ambition that led to your decision to pursue the goal of becoming a software engineer. Didn't you take the initiative to take the challenging courses and difficult course load? I don't know your life so correct me if I'm wrong.
If you're going to talk about Mr. Berniker in a personal level, then you should talk about how he's impacted you in a personal level.
"I just love programming now"
Okay, this contradicts what you're saying from the very start. It's as if you're saying that you fell for computer programming randomly.
Help me with mine too! -> UC prompt 1 personal statement
Joe, I'd like to add a few enhancement on your essay.
- attended since seventh grade, whose interests range
For example,( this phrase is not needed )J ust recently
Now, nearingLeaning towards the end of the one-semester class,
- I just love programming now; , I'll make nifty yet simple programs in
- my spare time, partly to refresh myself on old concepts
partly because it's gratifying to be able to make a computer do a task for you,
- such as displaying the time
Your essay is rather an enjoyable read than a serious one, you manage to incorporate a very mellow mood, at the same time you answered the prompt properly and you write made sure that you don't go off road when it comes to the idea and what needs to be in the essay.
There's just a few minor corrections I made as you can see above, I hope it helps.
@kalagang What if I say: "I just love programming now because I'm so much better at it compared to last year"?
@snobbyrobby831 Well what I'm trying to say is that I'm more confident in my coding skills because I'm learning and understanding sophomore college material right now, so now I believe that I can make a future out of it.
Thanks for the help, guys!
Hi sukhtheduke1, let me help you out. overall, you have shown your intention to answer all of the question. yet, I suggest you to make a conclusion, since a conclusion will drive viewers more undersatand, and know what the key of your essay.
Begin your conclusion paragraph with a sign such as finally, having said that, to conclude, etc. after that, restate your key point.
here is some my correction: (beware with constraction)
I just love programming now; (need period)
I'll I will make nifty yet simple programs in my spare time partly to refresh myself on old concepts and partly because it's it is gratifying to be able to make a computer do a task for you, such as displaying the times table. After one and a half years of programming, I've I have became a programming "nerd" ...
Joe, the essay is an easy read but it doesn't really reflect the kind of response that would touch a chord or make a lasting impression on the reviewer. In trying to deliver a lighthearted conversational mood in the essay, you overdid it. It lacks the focus that shows a real serious relationship with the world that helped you develop your personality, traits, and interests. Throughout the essay, you focused on your academic relationship with people rather than the friendly, familiar, or influential relationship you have with them.
I will be bold at this point and suggest that you revise the essay in order to strengthen your presentation. Rather than just mentioning the relationship with your teacher in a very curt manner, try to develop your essay around that relationship. Discuss how you and he evolved your contact from teacher - student to older friend - younger friend. It really seems that there is more to your friendship with him that you have related and it will be a good focal point for the essay since he is sure to have influenced your dreams, aspirations, and the person you have become.
The rest of your essay discussed topics, such as the development of your interest in computer programming and the like, belong to a different prompt. Try to bring a more personal relationship to the essay. Show us how you developed your personality within this community. Again, my suggestion is to work on the possible father-son relationship that you developed with your teacher. That should work perfectly for this essay.