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UC Prompt # 1: World of transitions


kiwi90 8 / 21  
Nov 27, 2009   #1
Hello! I've just finished my draft on UC prompt 1. I will really appreciate any critiques, suggestions or corrections that can improve it. Thanks to everyone who reads and comments on my essay!!

Describe the world you come from - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"Nicholas."
"Good morning, Ms.Penn."

I can feel my heart drumming against my ribs. I say to myself, 'It's simple. Don't be so nervous. Just say it.'

"Sam."
"Good morning, Ms.Penn."

Now, get ready...

"SooLim."
"G-good NONNING, Ms. Pin."

Oops.

I can clearly picuture the first day of my middle school in New Zealand. A nervous little Korean girl walks into the classroom and subsides into her allotted seat in stiff silence. She stares at the new world she has just entered, at the beaming blue eyes of her neighbor and the gentle curves of incomprehensible writings on white board. But her sense of wonder quickly dissolves as the roll call begins. Pressure mounts inside her. For the first time, she has to speak something out loud in English in front of public. One pity failure will make her a laughing stock, or so it seems to her. Yet the pressure quickly fades when she finally answers the call with a mispronounced "Good morning," leaving her flushed yet relieved at her incomplete success. She realizes then she has just taken one simple but hard step on a path of transition.

I grew up learning that life is change, and that every change is accompanied by challenges which overthrow the predictability of yesterday's routine. For instance, I immigrated to New Zealand from South Korea with my father and younger sister when I was twelve. Neither a naïve kindergartener nor a dashing teenager, I struggled to take in the world completely different from where I had been raised, let alone the sudden absence of my mother (who remained in Korea) at the crucial phase of adolescence. Simple thing such as a row with my father or my mumbling speech at school mattered to me, and I felt vulnerable as to where this tide of transition would lead me to. Yet, at some stage, I realized that it was I who has to take hold of my life's direction; it was I who choose to grow, and not to stay mired in hesitant bemusement at the changing circumstances. From then on, I strived to learn English to break the confining barrier of language. I tried to lessen my father's burden of raising two daughters without his wife in a new country. I became an independent individual, appreciating my life in a multicultural society. I have grown intellectually; the anxiety in expressing myself in English replaced with renewed confidence.

As a result, my subsequent strides on the path of transition became more willing and far-reaching. I moved my high school and took IB courses on my own decision to raise my intellectual bar. I took my first job after graduation, tutored and befriended kids I barely knew before. I was no longer a passive observer of changes, but an eager explorer on the road to potentials, challenges and accomplishments.

True, changes can bring pain and inconveniences. Nevertheless, my world has evolved from and will be constructed upon them, for now I realize that they also bring progress and maturity. Beyond a hard first step into the unknown, an adventurous journey to personal discovery will unfold. I am ready to take another life-changing stride towards your school, in search for my true potentials and growth at the end of the road.

[544 words]

jennyz 6 / 18  
Nov 27, 2009   #2
very good intro,
and the introductory paragraph was very vividly described, i liked the way you tide in change to the school at the end.
i don't think there's anything you really need to change.
double check grammar and you're good.
mrbbb - / 3  
Nov 27, 2009   #3
Good essay! I think it is wonderful, especially you focused on the word of "change". Perhaps you can improve with adding something that you have learned from the "changing world".
OP kiwi90 8 / 21  
Nov 27, 2009   #4
Thanks, jennyz and mrbbb! I really appreciate your comments.
Do you think my grammar's ok??
where do you think in those paragraphs I should mention about what i've learned from the changing world?
Thanks again for your help!
Janelle 3 / 20  
Nov 29, 2009   #5
Why are you combining the number of words in both essays? The word count is 1000 for each essay

This is what I got from Prompt #1; Moving to New Zealand made you want to explore your knowledge else where to get more experiences and it helps you grow, am I right???

Also, it is not necessary for you to incorporate your interest in Chemistry if that is not one of the dreams or aspirations you are putting emphasis on.

Prompt #2:
A-freakin'-mazing!!! Bravo!!! You have done a stupendous job on this essay!!! What I get is that your experience from the philipines has made you more aware of poverty which makes you want to be more involved. But, how does it relate to you? Why?

Good Luck!!!
Godizgood 3 / 18  
Nov 29, 2009   #6
it is not crucial that u mention your major but it is advisable, u should try if u can to squeeze it in somewhere, if u can. yeah i got your character from your essay.

i like ur essays good job.
to cut down youe essay u should try to tell ur story in a nutshell. i feel like u go way into details with.
this is for janelle-u need 1000 words for both essays not each essay. dont confuse that plz its really important that u know
Janelle 3 / 20  
Nov 29, 2009   #7
Don't I feel like a dedede...

Thank you so much Godizgood
OP kiwi90 8 / 21  
Nov 29, 2009   #8
Thanks for your comment, Janelle!
Yeah, I wanted to make that impression for the first essay- greatly relieved that you noticed it.
Also I wanted to portray myself as a man of action lol, in both essays,
that's how I tried to relate my volunteering experience to my character.. I guess I didn't make it quite clear in the second one

Anyway, thanks so much!

Thanks, Godizgood, for your suggestion.
I might try to squeeze a few lines about my major if I can, somewhere in the end of the essay.
do you notice any grammatical flaws?
thanks again!

P.S I don't get how to post replies to u guys' comments; anybody knows? Should I quote or reply?


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