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" Worship of safety emasculates greatness" - The CommonApp Transfer Essay

miss_dee 1 / 2  
Feb 17, 2012   #1
I have just finished working in the general Common Application essay for transfer applicants The prompt for the essay is:
- Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
Please let me know what areas to improve on and I would like to know if I am being specific enough. That is, are the objectives I hope to achieve vague or clearly stated in the essay? Also please help with grammatical errors and problems with wordiness and sentence construction. Thanks :)

"The worship of safety emasculates greatness"

" Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you the Class of 2010..." Diploma in one hand, mortarboard in the other, I was excited to finally go into the real world after six years of boarding school. Nonetheless, as a 15-year-old high school graduate, the prospect of living miles away from home and tackling the challenges of the real world alone was rather frightening. Wary of falling prey to the numerous pitfalls of college life at such a premature age, I decided to take a year away from school to better prepare myself for life outside boarding school. The college application progressed smoothly, the acceptance letters arrived and I decided where I wanted to begin my life in the real world.

Walking through the streets of Delaware for the first time, I felt relaxed and at ease. I chose Ohio Wesleyan because its small college town setting appealed to me; I imagined I was well accustomed to life in a small town seeing as I had survived within the confines of boarding school. My freshman experience at Ohio Wesleyan so far has been enlightening and intriguing to say the least. I have discovered my strengths and I am more mindful of my intellectual curiosity, inquisitiveness, and earnest yearning to explore and discover. The small town setting of Ohio Wesleyan, however, has not adequately satiated my curiosity. Although I am comfortable here, I feel that I am now ready and better equipped to challenge myself by stepping out of my comfort zone to experience new and unfamiliar places.

I am a pre-medicine major and I have recently decided to also major in Gender studies. My interest is predominantly in studying the role of women in healthcare professions and how it has advanced over time. This would require a combination of courses from different disciplines that are relevant to my interests. However, while searching for independent study opportunities and discussing my interests with my academic advisor, I have realized that Ohio Wesleyan does not offer such an integrative approach that would merge courses from different disciplines for my intended major. In line with this, I have also noticed that the research opportunities in the University are quite limited focusing principally on the sciences and social sciences. For instance, I was excited at the possibility of studying the progress of women in healthcare professions in Delaware and Central Ohio at large during the summer; however it has been very difficult for me to find any opportunities that would suit my interests. Admittedly, the senior seminars offered at Ohio Wesleyan may give me a chance to conduct research to suit my particular interests, nonetheless, I would not like to suppress my curiosity and deprive my inquiring mind for that long. By attending a larger and more diverse university, I hope to pursue my interests more closely, participate in research relevant to my major, and also to expand my knowledge of the role of women in health care by employing an integrative approach.

My motive for transferring is mainly to find better educational and career opportunities, yet the social situation on campus has also influenced my decision to transfer. The idea of having to dance away the weekend at a pub or playing a drinking game at a frat every single weekend is not particularly appealing to me, more options for releasing stress and tension during the weekends would be especially helpful for me in the pursuit of my college career and unfortunately, Delaware has failed to provide me with these. Furthermore, the small community of the campus bereaves me of the much-needed diversity that would arouse my curiosity and enable my growth as a person. I am convinced that a more diverse campus would better satisfy my curiosity by challenging me socially, offering the opportunity to meet people from all walks of life, as well as a broader array of leisure and recreation activities to choose from.

I have taken full advantage of the liberal arts curriculum offered at Ohio Wesleyan by enrolling in a diverse array of courses in the sciences, humanities and social sciences; and I have been able to obtain a 4.0 GPA in my first semester while participating actively in school organizations of interest to me. I have no doubt that I am now ready to face the challenges of the real world in a larger university. A statement made by Mark Lucado has been my watchword for the past few months, it goes, and "The worship of safety emasculates greatness". I am now willing to take a giant leap out of the safe, comfort zone of Delaware and expose myself to a less familiar environment where I can satisfy my curiosity, pursue my academic interests, and contribute something to the college community.

MatisyahuOneDay - / 4  
Feb 17, 2012   #2
Your essay is very good.
But isn't the limit 500? And the maximum flexibility is around 550.
Your essay is 779. Maybe you should cut down.
OP miss_dee 1 / 2  
Feb 18, 2012   #3
Thanks, I didn't know there was a limit for the general CommonApp Essay, I thought there was only a minimum. I would try to cut down.
MatisyahuOneDay - / 4  
Feb 18, 2012   #4
Go to print preview it will say 250-500. I'd stay below 600.
But your essay is very good.
But i think you overuse the phrase "satisfy my curiosity" and the word curiosity in general. Try mixing it up.

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