Background/story about my identity
November 6, 1996 two twins were born. Some people may think of this as cute or amazing , but to my parents it was one of the "worst mistakes" they've made in their lives. Over the years, our behavior became sinful. This is about my individual life and i want to show how one event changed my entire life. So, lets get started.
From preschool, to 8th grade, my behavior was awful. Throwing books on the ground, catching tantrums, and just being stupid. Growing up in New Orleans and being in a household who was struggling with income didn't make my behavior better either. Another reason why I behaved this way was because of the lack of father guidance. My father was rarely around me as I was growing up. Mainly because my mom didn't allow him to. He was a drunk who smoked a lot and would beat you with crutches if you made him angry. At school , they would separate me and my brother because we would cause a lot of mischief. My mom eventually got a divorce with him and moved on to another man. That man name is Marshall Bienemy. He has a bipolar personality and loves to gamble until all of his money is gone. To this day, I never grew attached to him. I guess you can say one reason my mom married him was to discipline me and my brother. It's funny because I've never got physically disciplined by my mother until he came along. This form of discipline, however, never changed my behavior and it actually made it worse. I would get so much anger being built up inside of me.
One day things changed though. On April 23, 2010 my oldest brother passed away at the age of 27. He got shot in the head as he was walking to his car. It turns out that he was selling drugs, so of course, there's always going to have a bad outcome. Although we barely spent time with each other, there was still that "brotherly connection" that I feel. He made a lot of foolish choices in his life and left behind 3 children. Time passed by and i began to think about the lifestyle that he was living and thought about how mines would end up. This event happened in 8th grade so in 9th grade my character began to change. I began to realize that our life is too short to make ignorant decisions. Although i was torn up from the fact that my brother died, I also learned that you can't move on to the future if you keep regretting the past. Starting my 9th grade year, my behavior started to get better. I learned how to control my anger and outbursts easier. I stopped making kid decisions and started to make man decisions. Now I'm a senior in high school and I have a job at Winn Dixie being a cashier. I help my mom out with the bills and give her gas money from time to time. I also pay my senior budget with my money (because senior year can be expensive). I'm beginning to mature more, thinking about how I would impact other's lives before I pass away. It's not over yet though. I still have a lot of growing up to do in my life and harsh journeys await me in the future. In a way I'm glad that he died. To me, feel that I would still be stuck in my disobedient ways and would probably be where he is now. I am now able to learn from my mistakes and better myself as a person.
Let's not say two twins ever. It's redundant. Let's do this:
November 6, 1996 two twins were born. Some people may ...
So, lets get started. I like your introduction a lot, and I just disagree with this sentence. It probably came to mind in a moment of inspiration, but it's in your mind to inspire you and not to actually be left in the final draft. I hope you'll replace that sentence with a sentence that expresses the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT IDEA you want the reader to remember. : ) That's the great thing to do at the end of the first paragraph.
nother reason why I behaved this way was because of the lack of father guidance. This sentence seems bad... it seems like shirking responsibility.
Mainly because my mom didn't allow him to. Let's get rid of this one, too.. you should not end a sentence with a preposition, and also this is not a complete sentence.
He was a drunk who smoked a lot and would beat you with crutches if you made him angry. --- Wow, great writing here.. great sentence!
That man name is Marshall Bienemy. Not helpful to give the name.
Hmm.. this is one of the best pieces of writing I have seen. I just wonder how well it serves your purpose here. The admission office reader might want to avoid falling into the trap of favoring applicants whose stories are emotionally evocative. They want to be objective. So I suggest discussing some of your intellectual goals and research interests. In what area will you become an expert?
: )
Hi! This is a very moving story. It took an emotional turn in the middle part, which I didn't expect. I must say, I can really feel your emotions in your essay!
Spotted a few grammar errors you may to correct:
Throwing books on the ground, catching tantrums, and just being stupid. -> This is not a proper sentence! Rephrase?
Another reason why I behaved this way was because of the lack of father guidance. -> 'reason' cannot be followed by 'because'. Change it to: ANother reason I behaved this way was the lack of father supervision.
drunk -> drunkard
That man name is Marshall Bienemy. -> I don't think its necessary to name this guy.
It turns out that he was selling drugs, -> turned
Starting my 9th grade year, my behavior started to get better.-> my behavior changed for the better
before I pass away. -> come on! don't be so morbid in your admissions essay :) cheer up!
