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Wrestling - College Essay...any suggestions?


c7939950 1 / 3  
Oct 31, 2009   #1
Wrestling. When most people hear this word, a hefty man with bulging muscles dressed in a singlet usually comes to mind. In reality, this is not the case for all wrestlers. They all don't have a hulk-like physique. No one would have guessed a lean, 5'7" blonde girl like myself would be a wrestler. In fact, when news spread like wildfire around my gossip-loving high school that there was a girl on the wrestling team, my peers questioned me while shaking their heads in disbelief. They'd inquire with their bulging eyes, "You're the girl that's on the wrestling team?"

I decided to join the team in hope to get in shape. I had heard about the grueling, vigorous workouts. My fascination compelled me to take a peek at the team to see if these rumors were true. When I snuck a quick glance into the school's gymnasium, it was like dangling candy in front of a child. I witnessed the salty beads of sweat that flew off the wrestlers' faces as they groaned while sprinting. I examined the shaking muscles as they preformed pushup after push up. I yearned to be a part of such intensity.

The following year, when my friend Chelsea and I went to sign up for the team, the coach raised his eyebrows and gave us a long, hard stare. "This team is serious. You girls aren't playing a joke or anything, right?" I was thinking to myself, "It's a pleasure to meet you too, Coach!" Yet I didn't dare let these words escape my mouth. I beamed my pearly, white teeth and replied "Coach, you can count on me!"

As I marched into the gymnasium on the first day of practice, I felt like a fish out of water. The guys on the team acted as cold as the frost outside the gymnasium doors. They barely looked at me, let alone welcomed me onto the team. Their behavior reminded me of my elementary years when boys wouldn't go near girls since girls had contagious "cooties." "Fellas, let's start warming up," coach ordered. I let this one slide. Considering it was the only the first day, it must have slipped coach's mind that there were new female additions to the team.

As practice progressed, my dolphin-like ears picked up every sound wave. Across the room, I heard two guys snickering, claiming I shouldn't be wrestling because I could "break a nail." Others whispered how I must have gotten confused since the cheerleaders were practicing in the other gymnasium. At the end of practice, I stumbled across a note. On it revealed a bet in which each wrestler marked how long he thought I would last on the team; the bet with the longest time span was two weeks. From that moment on, a spark ignited in my soul, and heated into a blazing fire. This fire fed off of determination and will power. There was no way that these wrestlers would see me surrender to their disbeliefs.

During our daily workouts, I was up against all odds. I wrestled boys with arm muscles the size of my calves. In the fitness room, the boys were benching twice my body weight, while my scrawny arms barely lifted the ninety-pound bar. They completed fifty pushups in half the time it took me to finish thirty. I was by far the weakest link, yet I was able to push aside these setbacks, and focus on improving my skills. Although I wasn't able to dodge the moves the wrestlers tried on me, I was able to fence off feelings of doubt that attempted to cross my path.

At the end of the season, I received honorable mentions from my coaches who revealed that my friend and I were the first females to complete a season of wrestling at Exeter High School. As I look back on the season, I find delight in the fact that I have done something that no one else has done before. But more importantly, I see that was vindicated. Both my teammates and coaches were certain that I wasn't capable of partaking in the sport, due to the fact that I was a female. I defied their disbeliefs with my willpower. From this I learned that anything is possible, and all it takes is effort. With this in mind, I know that whatever life may throw at me, I have the capability to succeed, no matter what anyone tells me.
Vulpix - / 71  
Oct 31, 2009   #2
Consider me impressed! Your essay is the best I've read in days. You are obviously a strong writer, and you tell your story very well. You can feel confident submitting exactly what you have now without any changes, if that's what you plan on doing.

However, here are some (very minor!) suggestions for you to consider, in case you still want to revise.

"No one would have guessed a lean, 5'7" blonde girl like myself would be a wrestler."
This is actually the only important sentence of your introductory paragraph- the rest is just added for the sake of style. You could probably combine the first couple of sentences to tighten up the paragraph, or find a way of combining your first and second paragraphs.

"Their behavior reminded me of my elementary years when boys wouldn't go near girls since girls had contagious "cooties.""
This stands out to me as the only overtly awkward sentence of your entire essay. I'm sorry, I can't really think of a good way to rephrase it, so my advice would probably be to cut it, since it isn't necessary to the content of your paragraph.

"Both my teammates and coaches were certain that I wasn't capable of partaking in the sport, due to the fact that I was a female."

"Due to the fact" seems a little wordy to me- I would probably say "because" instead. And also, "I was a female" sounds a little unnatural to me. It's not really that common for people to say things like "I am a female" in spoken English- it would sound more comfortable to me if you were to write "[...] because I was a girl" or "[...] because of my gender".
OP c7939950 1 / 3  
Nov 1, 2009   #3
Thanks for taking the time to read!
Lunacy 2 / 5  
Nov 1, 2009   #4
Goodness, I love it!

I especially like this sentence: "I wrestled boys with arm muscles the size of my calves."

I know this post wasn't particularly helpful, but I really don't have any changes to advise, either, so good job!
(-:
becca3924 1 / 5  
Nov 9, 2009   #5
This is a very good essay, i enjoyed it very much. You seem like the kind of girl with a great sense of humor! you remind me of my best friend. oh and I hope your admissions go well.
OP c7939950 1 / 3  
Nov 9, 2009   #6
Thanks becca!!! You too!


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