Topic: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
Hi guys! I'm applying to some very competitive schools and I would love any feedback I can get on my common application essay. This means a lot to me and I will try my best to return all favors by checking out your essays! Again, thank you.
"X, write down the number quickly!" my mom yelled. Not paying much attention, I picked up a pencil and paper and scribbled down the number that was on the bottom left of the television screen. As the commercial was coming to an end, the phrase "It's difficult to leave a child with an aching heart" resounded through the living room in an Egyptian Arabic dialect. Not quite understanding what just happened, I reviewed what I had blindly written on the paper; it read "The Magdi Yacoub Heart Foundation - 0100024611/22." This was gibberish to me at the time. I could not comprehend its significance as I had never seen the commercial before, nonetheless been familiar with the Magdi Yacoub Heart Foundation. Cautiously I asked my parents who Magdi Yacoub was, and their answer was one I will never forget. "Magdi Yacoub," my mom said with a warm smile, "is the heart and pride of Egypt."
Burning with curiosity, I wondered to myself, "What does she mean by heart and pride of Egypt? How come I've never heard of him?" I hurried over to the laptop in my room, determined to find out exactly who Magdi Yacoub was. Spending hours upon hours reading articles and websites dissecting his childhood and his invaluable achievements, such as establishing heart transplantation in the UK and becoming the world's leading transplant surgeon, I was mesmerized by this brilliant saint. His surgical skills were unsurpassed, his generosity was beyond comprehension, and his intelligence was extraordinary. It was this man who made everything possible in my life.
Magdi Yacoub is the reason I can proudly say that I want to be a cardiac surgeon and help those whom are less fortunate and be the very best at what I do. He instilled in me an ambition to strive for academic excellence, compassion, global awareness, and a desire to succeed. This experience shaped my character and my view of life. I began to volunteer at the local hospital whenever I could to help patients and learn as much about the medical field as possible. I spent hours upon hours reading medical case studies, trying to satisfy my limitless thirst for knowledge. Distractions that had once dominated my life, like YouTube, video games, and television had become insignificant. I began to realize what I truly wanted out of life: to help others, to understand the human body, to become a world renowned heart surgeon, and to become the heart and pride of Egypt.
My performance in school was significantly enhanced as I developed a genuine interest in all my subjects. I was eager to read the next chemistry chapter on organic chemistry or do the practice AP Calculus questions at the back of the book. Magdi Yacoub inspired me to always try my best and to accept the fact that sometimes this may entail failure, but that one only improve because of it. He taught me to make a difference.
I think this is truly a great common app essay! It's interesting and original. The one sentence I felt sounded a bit awkward was "Magdi Yacoub is the reason I can proudly say that I want to be a cardiac surgeon and help those whom are less fortunate and be the very best at what I do." Three ands in one sentence is too many. Also, I think the ending of your second to last paragraph would be a great ending to the entire essay! While the last paragraph is nice, it doesn't have the same WOW-factor that the second to last paragraph has.
Good luck with your applications! You should be very proud of this essay -- it's incredible !
Hey thanks for your comment on my Stanford romantic essay! I really enjoyed reading this, but I agree with Talia. The last paragraph doesnt have the same pizazz as the rest of your piece. I would almost end it at the second last paragraph with the "...and to become the heart and pride of Egypt". This last sentence shows a nice tie back into your intro
