This is an essay for Georgia Tech. I'm kinda worry about my essay. I wonder if it really matches with the topic, so can you guys give some opinions to me? Thank you!
Topic:You are about to write your future roommate a letter. Please provide the roommate with a personal story that will give him/her some insight into your personality.
Dear Roommate,
Hi! My name is Christie and I'm going to be your roommate for the coming year. I
can't tell you how excited I am to get a roommate. This will be my first boarding
experience, and I'm looking forward to it.
Unlike most of the students, I wasn't raised in the United States. Although I was
born here, my parents brought me back to Hong Kong when I was
three. Hong Kong is a crowded, busy city. People are always rushing through streets
and buildings. All of us are like the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, always
busy and never having enough time. Because of the lack of time, we learn to work
efficiently. Growing up in a city like that, I have become one of them, working till
late at night, not letting myself get rest unless everything is done.
As Hong Kong is small but with a huge population, competition between students
is big. What always pushes me to study is not homework or tests, but the
environment that I'm in. For example, I have been playing piano for about nine years, and am now
Grade eight (Grade ten is the highest level). Playing piano seems to be a special thing
in the United States, but not in Hong Kong. If you are going to a top-ranked
secondary school, at least half of your classmates can play the piano, and most of
them are Grade eight as well. If they can't play any musical instruments, they
would be good at sports. This was how competitive my classmates were:
smart and talented.
I worked hard in order to be competitive. I'm a self-motivated person. My parents
no longer had to worry about my studying after I went to secondary school. Unlike
what you might have heard before, although I was attending one of the top-ranked
secondary schools in Hong Kong, I didn't receive a
lot of homework or quizzes. What my teachers would usually do was give us a lot of
extra practices, but they were not mandatory. They gave us a choice whether to do
it, or not. I always did those extra practices because they are the only way for me to
achieve a higher score on my exams and stay competitive with my classmates. As our teachers are always busy, they would
usually upload the answers to our homework to the Internet so that we could check
the answers by ourselves. Of course I knew people who would just copy answers
from the Internet. I wasn't one of them because I didn't want to waste any chance to
practice what I had learned. This is especially true for my elective classes in Science,
which require a lot of practicing in order to master the skill.
Many people are critical of the educational system in Hong Kong, saying that this
is too much for a secondary school student; I don't agree with them. Everyone is
born with laziness. Who doesn't want to put down their books and have fun? But in
order to succeed, the first thing you have to do is to overcome your inertia. I have
heard a story about seagulls sitting on a dock. A seagull intends to fly away,
decides to do so, and talks with the other seagulls about how wonderful it is to fly.
But as long as the seagull is still sitting on the dock, there's no difference
between that seagull and the others. Actions speak louder than words. No matter
what dreams you have, until you start doing something to achieve your dream, you
are just the same as the others. This educational system is just trying to get
everybody moving, to help them to overcome their inertia and achieve their
dreams. What shaped me into who I am is this educational system, and I'm satisfied
with who I am.
As I have told you before, I went back to Hong Kong not long after I was born. I
have only been studying in the United States for a year up to now. My English is still
full of a Chinese accent, which I hope you won't mind in the future. I'm working hard
to improve my English. Although we may not be taking the same major and cannot always
help each other out academically, we can always encourage each other during studying. I believe
we can become good friends in the future.
Hong Kong is always described as the Pearl of the Orient because of its
beautiful night scenery. I hope both of us can also be the light of this world; shining
in the darkness, and making contributions to make our world a better place.
Best wishes,
Christie Shea
Hi Christie Shea, I like the approach you are trying to reach but as reading this essay i got a little bored. I feel like more concrete examples of your personality is needed. I mainly got you are hard working. Colleges like that but they also want to see what else. Something that makes you you. Some cliches were in there so i suggest finding a way to express those cliches in your way words. Overall it was a good essay
