I could finally write the first draft of my essay for Texas prompt #2. I really need help with editing and revising though, because I thought somewhere in between I kind of went off topic?? So if anyone could please take a moment and look at my essay and give me feedback. Thanks a lot!!!
Prompt: Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
Choice
While I am typing every letter of this personal statement, thousands of girls and women on the other side of the globe are involuntarily bought into the cruel sex trafficking industry. Biologically, these women and I are very similar. We all are females who make up fifty-one percent of the world population. We are human beings with hopes and dreams. The only difference is society. I have a choice to live and learn, while these women have customers they can't refuse to serve.
Sex trafficking has become very common among poor countries in Asia and Africa. Women and young girls, as early as three years of age, are forced into sex trading in order to earn extra income for their families. Consequently, the girls have to give up their rights to education and those women must sacrifice their choice of marriage. However, the negative impact of sex slavery doesn't stop there. Gender-based violence and illiteracy among females have grown enormous as the result of this unrestrained crime. The disadvantage of women in these countries now sprouts up even more as they have no opportunities to succeed without basic rights or proper education.
Born and raised in a similar environment, I grew up watching many women, including my family members, fail to pursue their dreams. Most of the time, they were obliged into family's complications. My mom had to give up her education and dedicated her youth to help out the family's business. My aunt was arranged into a marriage with a man she had never met because fewer members in a family meant less money spent on food. The lack of freedom and liberty for these women curtailed their path to a potentially bright future. But that was many decades ago. The world's perspective on female rights as of today should be changed and sex trafficking must be stopped. Nobody should be crushed under inequality in this modern world.
As a female and youth, I am aware of how greatly the issue could impact on our future. Women have fought their way out of discrimination since the Civil Rights Movement. If the governments of all countries keep on neglecting the outspread sex trafficking and gender inequality, women will be set back to the very first start, where liberty for them was merely inexistent. This will threaten not only my generation, who are very ambitious to make a change in equality, but also will intimidate the future of humanity.
Liberty is the most important aspect of life. Choice is the most powerful vehicle to drive a person forward. This is why I think that sex trafficking in countries anywhere in the world, not just Asia and Africa, should be stopped before all of the victims lose their faith to change their neglectful societies. And as an innovative individual, I would embrace my rights to obtain an education so that in the near future I could inspire others to value their choice.
Your essay sounds great! Let me offer a few suggestions
The only difference is society.
Can you be more specific, this sounds vague.
However,T he negative impact of sex slavery doesn't stop there.
The disadvantage of women in these countries now sprouts up even more as they have no opportunities to succeed without basic rights or proper education.
You could say it like this: "The numbers of disadvantaged women are increasing, and without basic rights or education, they have little hope."
These two sentences might sound better when you switch them around:
As of today, t he world's perspective on female rights as of today should be changed and sex trafficking must be stopped.
In this modern world, n obody should be crushed underby inequality. in this modern world.
