Hi everyone, this is a very early draft of my first essay. I'm writing about Hasan Minhaj, a politcal comedian who hosts 'Patriot Act'. I've posted my first 2 paragraphs, and I wanted feedback on expanding on my first introduction to learning when I mention debate and reading with my dad. I wanted to combine these two paragraphs into one so the rest of the essay can be used in explaining how this person's impact was significant to me and connect it back to me so that you're ultimately revealing something unique about yourself to the admissions committee.
overcoming my inertia
Even though what would once span an entire library can now fit into the palm of our hand, we as a generation are misusing that gift of information. Our generation can be characterized by Newton's first law of motion. "An object, unless acted upon by an external force, rest remains at rest" Our generation is characterized by inertia- unless pushed to learn, we tend to not seek it. Yet, through a combination of participating in debate, reading newspapers with my dad, and watching Hasan Minhaj, I was able to overcome my inertia and can remain in a state of motion for the long run.
In Homecoming King, Hasan Minhaj recalled the day in September 2001, that he came home to discover his family's car had been vandalized. He realized that because he was born in the U.S., he had "the right of equality," but his father, who calmly swept up the broken glass, saw the crime as just "the price we pay for being here." His commitment to illuminating issues for an audience through personal experience is what ignites a passion in me for delving straight to the root of the issue to figure out solutions. He uses this response in his show, Patriot Act, to discuss breaking news as a jumping-off point to explore who is affected by current events. The goal is to show viewers how hot-button issues might affect them personally, even if they feel detached from the headlines.@quavius
Hey there. I'll be providing you with feedback on this essay - no worries! I hope that you somehow find this beneficial.
The introduction of the essay is impressive for me! Keep this up. If you are working within a word count (as you've not disclosed this information in your text), it would be better to compartmentalize the two paragraphs into one. Doing this will certainly help you have a shorter chunk of text without sacrificing the quality of the essay itself. You could have omitted the last sentence(s) of the first paragraph and merged the first parts of the second one. Doing this would also push you to prioritize information.
I'm curious to see how you will proceed with writing this. Don't hesitate to come to the forum again should you have more questions on writing this particular essay. I wish you luck!
