Please give me any advice or critiques you have. Thank you!
When she was born, she did not cry. The nurses stared at the strange, incandescent newborn who simply opened her eyes and looked in wonder at the dull hospital room around her. Her parents named her Ellie, meaning "shining light." And she was.
When the girl turned six, she decided her light probably wasn't good enough. She tried to put out her flame, derive it of the oxygen that kept it going. She convinced herself it was water she wanted, not fire. But the light was stubbornly radiant, and did not go out.
When the girl turned twelve, the light was shaken. The once warm, glittering world grew strange and unfamiliar. Her trust in others faded. She was lost in shadows. At fifteen, clouds covered the light. Terrifying visions of darkness came to her. However, there was iridescent music that kindled sunlight in her and the clouds slowly cleared.
The girl is seventeen now, and her light shines bright. She continues to look around at the world with wonder, glowing with illuminating passion and burning with curiosity. Her name is Ellie, meaning "shining light." And she is.
Hey! I really like the idea, it is a very creative way of answering the question. I think your essay is great, however, keep in mind that the admission officers want to know more about you. I would go more into detail. idk.
But still, I think this writing would really be appealing how it is :)
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Ellie, you have very good poetic presentation of your life here. The problem, is that it does not really tell the reviewer anything at all about your background. You are afraid to actually tell the story of your life from the time you developed memories as a child to the point in time that you are in now. This is not an essay that will work as a response to the prompt. It fails to inform the reviewer and as such, the reviewer will be left bewildered by this presentation. This is one time that being too creative does not work. You need to be straightforward in your presentation. Don't be poetic. You can either use a straightforward summarized narrative or a creative presentation that uses highlights from your life in its tale. If you choose to go creative, you can use actual dialogue and important events in your life to hold the interest of the reviewer because you will actually be informing him of important times in your life, without having him scratch his head trying to figure out what you are trying to tell him. You have to choose between the two options because this format just won't help to improve your chances of admission to Emerson.
Thank you so much for your advice! How would you recommend that I go about fixing this? Should I stay with this idea, or should I start from scratch? Also, should I keep it from this point of view if I do stay with this idea?