Your biography - Tell us about yourself in this essay, using the format outlined below.
Paragraph 1: Where you are from, what instrument you play, how long you have played, and anything else you would like us to know about you.
Paragraph 2: Your interactions with the music industry up to this point - and what you have seen that you think you would like to be part of.
Paragraph 3: Where you see yourself 10 years from now. (We realize that is likely to change as time goes on, but many studies have shown that people with thoughtful, written out goals are much more likely to succeed in their chosen careers.)
In third grade, I chose to play the cello because it was the biggest and in fourth grade, I switched to trombone because I the slide looked fun. I never cared that the rest of my section was guys or that the instrument was larger than me. That was all apart of the excitement. I played tenor trombone from fourth grade until eighth grade, when I switched to primarily bass trombone. As I started high school, I learned to play the baritone for marching band and last year I decided to target my focus on euphonium. The summer of my junior year, I was introduced to The Cadets2, a DCA corps. After leaping into the last four weeks of the season, I was hooked, intrigued by the realm of professionalism, and motivated to include the arts in my life forever.
I honestly have not spent much time in the music industry doing anything but playing my horn. Many of my inspirations are from my mentors in drum corps. I was motivated by older members and staff to keep music in my life, despite not wanting to teach or perform professionally. Cadets2 brought my attention to the different jobs required to run a music business including tour management, recruitment, and repairing. I have always been curious about how each instrument worked; the more I play the more I learn, and I think I have finally mastered solving every possible sticky valve issue. When I heard about Appalachian State's degree in Manufacturing and Merchandising, I was immediately fascinated.
After I graduate college, I plan on joining the Peace Corps, but when I arrive back home I will find a job in the environmental field and teach private lessons out of my home. Once I have earned enough money, I will open up a small repair shop and continue the private lessons there. My overall mission is to encourage other young musicians to continue their music careers in unconventional settings.
I switched to trombone because I the slide looked fun.
Did you lose any word in this sentence?
In first paragraph, you all talked about the instruments that you had played, being sequence in time. But I think you should describe somethings more attractive, and more closing to your character.
In second paragraph, including tour management, recruitment, and repairing
About repairing, did you mean the instruments needs to be repaired and maintained? Maybe you could say more clearly.
And, could you tell me more clearly what position you want to be settled in the music industry?
In paragraph 3, I see there are three kinds of goals after you came back home, teaching the private lessons, opening a small repair shopand encouraging the young musicians.
But I don't think there is ONE certain condition you are talking about, maybe using some imagination to make application committee convincing your dream and description.
I am not a native English user, so I just wrote some suggestions in amateur.
Hope your application procedure all well. :)
Rebecca, you failed to mention where you come from in the first paragraph. That was the first required information in that paragraph so missing out on presenting it became a glaring error. You were able to satisfy the other aspects of the requirements though. However, your presentation is to perfunctory and does not use any imagination or transition sentences to its advantage.
You should not just concentrate on delivering the answers to the questions alone. You should make the response interesting to read. Be imaginative in your descriptions. Try to bring the reviewer into your world. Excite his senses. Make him feel or imagine what you are trying to explain. Right now, the essay is not that all interesting to read and does not entice the reader to proceed to the next paragraphs. That is a bad sign for you. That means that if submitted, the reviewer may just pass on reading the rest of your essay or not consider the content interesting enough to benefit your application.
in my opinion, it's better to introduce yourself first (i.e. My name is .... from ....)
and i think it's better to describe yourself more instead instrument you play (make it less) for the first paragraph
tour management, recruitment, and repairing : maybe you can explain more about these things.
and for the third paragraph, having lot of dreams is good, but it's better if you can focus on one dream to explain it in your essay
Goodluck!
