I just completely abandoned my other essay and rewrote this one today (not the smartest thing to do the day before the deadline, I know), so I would really appreciate some feedback. I have specific parts I want critiqued that are marked with stars, but any other comments are welcome. Please help me with grammar and content. Thanks!
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
It was a bleak February morning. The fog clinging to the frost encrusted windows blurred the outside view, and the irrepressible winds shook the entire school. The third graders of Ms. Gangi's class were restless, and her struggles to keep them on task were in vain. The assignment, to write an original story, had long since been forgotten by most of the class, but for me it was different. My imagination ran wild as I stared at the blank sheet of paper before me. Copious ideas of what I could write were shooting at me nonstop, attacking me left and right. After staring at the blank sheet of paper just moments longer, I finally grabbed a hold on one of those ideas, abandoned all precaution, took the pen in my hand, and began to write.
After we turned in our stories that day I discovered that, despite the fact that it was just another assignment, writing really was something I felt passionate about, and since then, writing has become a talent of mine that I pride myself in. My writing has come a long way, transforming from simple poems with awkward rhymes to novels which reveal parts of who I am.
I have always enjoyed doing all I can to get people to smile. I can rarely be content if I know that someone I care about is upset, and so I use my writing as a way to help others. In fifth grade when my grandfather was sick abed, I decided to write some poems for him, and the smile that lighted his face when he read them was like a silent sign of encouragement. As I swelled with joy at his reaction, I realized that this was what I wanted to do. I have continued to write for people when they are not feeling well, and it has given me more patience, made me pay closer attention to details and better understand the people and the world around. Creating stories that make people feel better gives me a type of satisfaction that is rare for me to find in anything else.
It is late at night, but I am still awake. The lights are dimmed; the only sound being the rhythmic clicking of my fingers across the keyboard. The desperate need to get the words down on the page, to finish the story and share my characters with the world, has immersed me. I have a burning desire to write and will keep writing until every word has been written.
*Insane seems too...dramatic here. Any suggestions for another word I could use?
**Does this answer how this relates to me as a person enough or should I elaborate?
***I despise this last line, and it sounds awkward. Any suggestions for changing it?
What about: Yet staring at that blank sheet was beginning to drive me desperate.
Ok the transition from second and third is a bit harsh. What happened that day in your third grade? Did you do well? Did you write a masterpiece?
(Even if nothing happened that day, MAKE SOMETHING!) It had to be special for you to be so impacted right?
Definitely add more detail. You can't just turn in something that illustrate what you enjoy doing, that's NOT the topic.
Is it personal quality? HOW? Is it talent? HOW? What makes writing special to you? If it's to see the reaction of others, TALK ABOUT IT.
The fourth paragraph comes from nowhere. I understand why you put it, but it needs some kind of link before it.
** tells the admin about NOTHING from you. Honestly:
Since I began to write, I have observed people more carefully so that I can better understand human emotions and as a result, make my characters more realistic. It has given me a love for detail and patience, and helped me develop a broader perspective of the world so that I can look at all sides of situations.**
Lemonade stand: Since I began to sell lemonade ... See? I can fit your paragraph IN ANY SITUATION.
Sorry for being so harsh, but writing HAS to be special to you, and you HAVE to show how it is special.
This essay needs much more development, and FOCUS ON ONE THING, instead of going all over the place.
The prose is fine though.
yang
Oh, that was harsh, but also very helpful. I can see where you're coming from and I'll try to narrow down the focus and cut out some uneccessary bits. Thanks.
Anyone else? :)
began to drive me crazy? I don't think insane sounds too harsh. And unlike the person above me I seem to draw what kind of person you are: creative, detail-oriented, passionate about writing, committed? Sure you could put the lemonade stand thing and draw the same conclusion, but various experiences can have the same effect on a person. The second half of the sentence with ** prior to it does sound a bit generic though, like something you might find in half the essays submitted to the colleges. good luck with your college apps!
JennieHeartsYou
Thanks a lot for the feedback. I'm glad you're able to draw my personality from the writing, and I'll make sure to check out that sentence. I appreciate it. :)
I'm shocked at all the negative remarks. I think this essay is awesome in a lot of ways. Maybe it's because I have a bias towards fellow aspiring writers, but I think I could really see your passion for writing in this essay. Here's a few suggestions though:
as much pleasure reading what I write as I do when I write it. The "what I write" and the "when I write it" together are redundant.
As for your question with the **, it does somewhat answer the question, but you only answer it there. Remember that the purpose of the essay is to answer that question! You have to include it throughout your essay and not in just one spot. I notice that in that same paragraph you try to answer all the questions and in the other paragraphs you talk about how much you like to write. I hate to be harsh but that's a big no no.
For your last line, put something like "I have a burning desire to write." instead. You're right, it does sound awkward.
Just a thought: If you're going to apply to a UC in some writing department as I'm pretty sure you are, you have to have a really good essay because writing an essay entails writing! So good luck and try to revise your essay as much as possible.
p.s as a side note: good luck on becoming a writer. I like to write and I'll do it as a side job, but I want to be a lawyer.
Deva17
Aw, thanks a lot for the encouragment. I will definitely try to expand on the idea of how writing relates to me and not just talk about how much I love it. I like your tip for the last line, and I hope you don't mind if I use it! Oh, and good luck to you on becoming a lawyer as well as with your writing :)
EDIT:
Okay, I revised the essay and took out some of the other junk. I'm not completely satisified with this version either, though, so some more feedback would be appreciated :)
--
Chelsea,
Wow you really improved it! :D
I'll try to help you with the * paragraph:
Because of his positive reaction this sounds a little awkward...rephrase?
and the fact that I can combine my desire to help people and my love for writing makes this even better. This is a little wordy. "the fact" makes it sound awkward as well. You may want to completely restructure this sentence. Try to clarify.
For this reason and because writing has given me more patience and made me pay closer attention to details, I have a burning desire to write and will continue to do it for as long as I am able Whoa, run-on! ;) Separate it into two sentences.
I think this has completely answered the question of how your writing talent relates to you as a person.
Oh and a few other things:
and share the lives of the characters I have created a little awkward. what about something like, "and to share my characters with the world" or "with others".
This is what keeps me awake at night. This last sentence sounds a little forced. Try to come up with something natural. I would suggest something like what I suggested last time, like "I have a burning desire to write, and I revel in seeing the words flow upon the paper." or, "i have a burning desire to write until every word has been written" or something. you know? :)
good luck! i'm still here if you have any more questions.
This essay is definitely an improvement. Sorry for being harsh before, but that's how my english teacher transformed my essay
Ok from what I see now, your intro is vague and only serves as a appetizer, so cut it down to 2-3 sentences.
Add to what you REALLY WANT to talk about. maybe about how people's reactions make you feel? Your evolution as a writer?
Anyway, it's much better, but still needs development on the parts that matter.
hope that helps
@Deva- Thanks again for reading it over. You've been a big help and I'll make sure I fix those mistakes you pointed out. I really appreciate you taking your time to do this!
@yang- I'm glad it's improved :) While I don't think I can make the intro that short, I'll definitely try to cut it down some. And your other suggestions really help. Thanks a lot!
I care about is upset, and ; so I use
for him, and . The
that is rare for me to find in anything else - that I rarely find in anything else
share my characters - characters, you mean novel characters? or your personality?
Much better, we feel WHY you want to write, and that's beyond simply saying that you want to write.
There is a 500 word limit, I presume?
