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'Writing that haiku' - Pomona Supplement - Fun activity


gumdrop41 6 / 30  
Dec 29, 2009   #1
2.Although it may appear to the contrary, we do know that people have a life beyond what they do to get into college. Tell us about an experience you have had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why.

Yes. I rambled. I'm honestly not sure of what Pomona wants to get from me from this prompt, do they want an essay describing what I learned from the activity?

Edits and harsh criticisms welcomed

At two am, I and four friends packed our bags and set out towards our school, (school name). Our breaths mingled visibly in the air with each others, our hands wrapped tightly around fleece blankets, and we were so, so tired. I could barely make out the silhouette of our school as I marched along with the beat of my friend's footsteps, but soon we heard the steady pulse of music. My pace quickened ï we were close to school. I smiled, excited

Despite how it may look, we were not insane students. Today was Running of the Bulls, a fancy term coined up by our school administration that was basically a day where students lined up to change schedules or teachers. However, because of the fierce academic competitiveness of our school, students are willing to spend more than 12 hours waiting just to get to the front of the line, to ensure that they have the best teachers for the following school year. But for us seniors, it has evolved to more than just another stressful day. Don't think school event - think clubs, concerts. Think tailgate party.

As my group and I reached the gym, even I was a little bit shocked that there were already one hundred people lined up outside, and it wasn't even 2:30 yet. All around me, I could see people dancing to beats of Lady Gaga, Jay-Z, Beyonce, and other artists, music playing from five different stereos. Since the event doesn't officially start until nine am, the school wouldn't turn on the lights for us, which was not a problem. Flashlights beamed all around, illuminating the dark school and the faces of my peers. The smell of food filled my nose, as people had brought Chipotle, Mcdonalds, Beard Papas, In-n-out, even cereal ï it was almost like a buffet line as I searched for friends to trade the Pringles I had brought. People that weren't dancing were napping in sleeping bags, playing on laptops, battling with cards, even playing truth or dare. I was surprised and pleased with myself when I comfortably socialized with students I had never spoken before, for in the midst of the excitement I felt closer to my class. The future graduates of 2010, starting off the new school year with a bang.

Understand, (school name) is the exact opposite of a party school. We students pride ourselves in academics and education, so the event itself seemed unreal. It was one of the few events were our entire senior class was together, hanging out and just having a good time. Not a word of school was spoken, we all just wanted to relax before summer ended.

It felt like days had gone by. I had danced, eaten, slept for two hours while surrounded by the rest of my friends, yet when I woke up it was still only six am. Tired of the replaying music people yelling, an idea hit. I woke up my four friends around me, and said "let's go see the sunrise."

We asked somebody to hold our spots (we were not going to lose our 100th place in line after already waiting for over four hours), and made our way up the stairs of the gym building. We found a place that looked out above forests that lined around a never-ending stretch of mountain and stuck our feet through the fence to sit down. At that moment, when the light of the rising sun had begin to shone in the brightening sky, I had the chance to look at the face of my four peers, my teammates, my closest friends. Our love and trust in each other shown in our never-ending laughter, the memories that we've shared and the one we were making right now. It was lovelier than the party downstairs. One particularly silly friend started making up haikus, and with a simple pen, wrote it on a single brick on the wall

The sun is rising
we are freezing in our pants
running of the bulls

We roared with laughter. Writing that haiku, silly as it is and knowing that it would probably wash off with the next rain, it felt like for that moment, we belonged to (school name) and (school name)belonged to us. I held the hands of my friends as the sun rose over the mountains and spilled light onto the mountains. We had to go back down, but we vowed that on the last day of school, before graduation, we would come back to this exact same spot, write another haiku, and watch the sun set. A final goodbye to each other. A final goodbye to our school after four years.
garfunkel129 5 / 18  
Dec 29, 2009   #2
This is really good. Everything's explained well, it's connected, and it flows brilliantly. It's for this reason that I only have a lot of grammar comments...

"two am" - I think that should be A.M., to distinguish from the verb "am"

"I and four friends packed our bags" - switch "I" and "four friends"

"and we were so, so tired" - try to show instead of tell; imagery, no? =)

"I smiled, excited" - needs a period after excited

"a fancy term coined up by our school administration that was basically a day where students lined up to change schedules or teachers" - I don't think you need the "up," try to use the active voice instead of the passive (maybe change it to "a fancy term our school administration coined. Running of the Bulls meant...")

"nine am" - A.M.

"as I searched for friends to trade the Pringles I had brought" - should change to "as I searched for friends with whom I could trade my Pringles"

"never spoken before, for in the midst of the excitement" - the "for" feels awkward. Maybe use a semicolon? ("... never spoken before; in the midst of the excitement, I...")

"The future graduates of 2010, starting off the new school year with a bang" - sentence fragment. You could start the sentence with "We were" or something

"few events were our entire senior class" - should be "where"

"Not a word of school was spoken, we all just wanted to relax before summer ended." - used a semicolon or a period instead of a comma here

"Tired of the replaying music people yelling, an idea hit." - need an "and" or something; the first part doesn't make sense without it

"Our love and trust in each other shown in our never-ending laughter, the memories that we've shared and the one we were making right now." - sentence fragment

"rose over the mountains and spilled light onto the mountains" - this is a bit repetitive. Maybe substitute something else for the second "mountains"?

"A final goodbye to each other. A final goodbye to our school after four years." - these are also sentence fragments. But they sound so good at the end, there! Maybe merge them into one sentence, and add a colon at the beginning? ("...and watch the sun set: a final goodbye to each other, a final goodbye to our school after four years.") ... or something

Good luck!

Oh, and if you could, would you review mine? Please be brutally honest.
Thanks!
realcheesecake - / 4  
Dec 29, 2009   #3
I go to the same school as you! Running of the bulls is truly a ridiculous day; its gotten worse every year that I've been at MV.
OP gumdrop41 6 / 30  
Dec 29, 2009   #4
haha yes I know you Keshav. I think rotb is fun

Thank you so much Rachel!!! I needed all those grammar corrections. I will go edit your essay right now.

Any more suggestions/corrections???
garfunkel129 5 / 18  
Dec 29, 2009   #5
No, I thought it was great! There's a good balance of imagery and checking it with things like "it's the exact opposite of a party school," so you convey that you have strong academics and that you can have fun. Very well written. =)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 22, 2010   #6
At 2:00 a.m., four friends and I packed our bags and set out toward [name of school] high school.

This has a lot of power, a lot of influence, because it really is enjoyable to read. Most students can't write something that is really enjoyable. So, it is impressive, but I think you should use this influence generated by the essay to drive a particular idea of which you convince the reader. Let this essay carry some message. For example, it may be adjusted to convey your determination to achieve a specific goal you envision, and this will make the reader really want to accept you into the school, because you will have convinced them of this real difference you want to make in your chosen field.

Congratulations for being a great writer!


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