Essay:
This personal statement helps us become acquainted with you in ways different from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself. We are looking for an essay that will help us know you better as a person and as a student.
Describe an experience that you have had or a concept you have learned about that intellectually excites you. When answering this question, you may want to consider some of the following questions: Why does this topic excite you? How does it impact the way you or others experience the world? What questions do you continue to ponder about it?
I have done it! After hours of assiduous work and much frustration, I have finally achieved the answer. Excitement vibrated throughout my body, and I felt as if I might melt from the intense happiness. Unable to contain my new explosion of energy, I paced around the room, grinning widely. I sat down in my chair and rechecked my solution for the sixth time. It was correct. I have just found the largest prime factor of six hundred billion eight hundred fifty-one million four hundred seventy-five thousand one hundred and forty-three. My computer algorithm worked.
My passion for computer science started during sophomore year when I explored this enriching subject independently. I was soon entranced by all the intricacies of many algorithms and the hidden potentials of raw information. Much seemingly dead information can be brought to life and be masterfully weaved into useful material. I especially enjoy analyzing algorithms that produce powerful and valuable information for real-world situation. In one case, I marveled at the ingenuity of the Djkistra's algorithm, which finds the shortest path between two locations in a large network of interconnected cities. Many difficult computer science problems have many correct answers, but only a few efficient answers. But that is why computer science never fails to amaze me. There is always a better answer! Much freedom is involved in programming algorithms, and I indulge in that creative openness every single second when I am working on a difficult program.
Efficiency is a key in computer science, so I decided to implement an idea I've been thinking about for a while. I took the initiative and offered the Math Team advisor a better way to select teams. I am currently working to bring the math team's monthly registration online and to create an algorithm that will automatically generate our 5 teams based on previous achievements and preference. This will save the advisor hours of valuable time of sorting out the teams manually.
I have already dreamed of many ways that computer science can improve people's lives: most efficient distribution of wells in villages for convenient access, best placement of solar panels for most sunlight, and most appropriate assignment of doctors to rural areas to avoid unequal distribution. I aspire that my ideas will be put in place to benefit people who are less fortunate.
Despite my financial hardships, I have never given up my passion. I want to be an innovator in this world rife with opportunities and unopened frontiers; a world with so many people waiting to be helped; a world with so much to improve. I wish to use my creativity and passion for computer science to make the world more efficient, more interconnected, and more accessible to those who have been left out of the beautiful advancements of the new millennium.
Hey Xiao.
I was just getting ready for bed as I read this; I wasn't planning on correcting it, but it was really good. You deserve a few comments!
I'm not going to lie, I've never been interested in computer science before. Not even a little bit. After ready your essay, though, I'm seriously intrigued- you've really piqued my interest. Good work!
A few points:
This is personal preference, not a grammatical rule, but I would put this paragraph in the past tense, ie, I had done it! I had finally achieved, I had just found, etc. For me, "I have done it" sounds strange, and those first few words are vitally important. If you chose to keep this paragraph in the present tense, I'd suggest to make it, "I've done it" instead. But again, that's just personal preference.
Here is another tense issue- by switching to present tense for just one sentence, you interrupt the flow of the piece. In one case, I marveled at the ingenuity of the Djkistra's algorithm, which finds the shortest path between two locations in a large network of interconnected cities. You need a transition here- try something like, "many algorithms can connect points, but only relatively few can do it efficiently." If you can't connect Djikstra's algorithm and efficiency, start a new paragraph. Many difficult computer science problems have many correct answers, but only a few efficient answers. But avoid starting a sentence with "but" that is why computer science never fails to amaze me. There is always a better answer! Much freedom is involvedword choice. Try "allowed" "granted", or "warranted" in programming algorithms, and I indulge in that creative openness during every single second whenthatk I am working on a difficult program.
It's looking good! Like I said, it's an inspiring piece. Keep at it!
Hi Tim, thank you very much for spending time comment on my essay!
I heeded most of your advice, and made some other changes to my essay.
Again, thank you very much!
Here is another idea:
I have done it! After hours of assiduous work and much frustration, I have finally achieved the answer. Excitement vibrates throughout ...
I changed reverberated to reverberates, because the other verbs in this paragraph were in the present tense. So, keep the verb tense consistent.
you could also do this:
I had done it! After hours of assiduous work and much frustration, I had finally achieved the answer. Excitement vibrated throughout...
you wrote a very nice, mind-boggling personal statement that I believe it will strengthen your application much ! I love how you described in details about your passion not just plain enumeration of what you do ! Nice job !
