This is my Common Application essay SO FAR (391 words). Is it well-written so far, and if not, where should I begin to make changes?
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The cacophonic sound of railings sliding against the tracks echo off the walls of Penn Station. Women's three-inch black heels and men's Oxfords clack against the rustic tile in response. Several doors open and then a stampede of people mesh together like two armies charging against one another. Apart from this mess, there's me, and my struggling grasp on a forty-seven pound luggage bag. I barely slip into the compartment in time, running over an Asian man's shoes in the process; the suction of air is heard just behind my ear. There are no reminders to signal the push/pull that occurs with each departure/arrival; just the silence of a crowded train during rush hour in Manhattan. Consequently, my body lurches forward due to my naivety in applied physics.
The severe scarcity of my "street smarts" are displayed in other manners than the inability to functionally ride the subway: a Canon film AE-1 camera hangs from my shoulder, already half-exposed with negatives of soaring buildings that loom beneath the afternoon sky. An obscured, crumbled map of 'NJ Transit' hugs the cell phone in my left hand. Regardless of my determination to camouflage, there is no concealing my tourist aurora. I smell tourist and if there is any law regarding the amount of seconds a person is permitted to stand in a single spot on the subway platform, I break it, because every ten seconds that pass, my unconscious surfaces to remind me that I am alone, and scared.
Yet, I decide it is time to figure out what secrets are tucked tight within the shadows of the towering city skyline. I spent four years wondering the excellence of New York City, and I climb a staircase for each year until I arrive at the surface - I trip because I forget that I can't jump up four steps at once. My stomach is what perhaps weighed me down, because while I am excited, I am also nervous (and excited!) and I swear someone told me to get out of the way as I whip around the corner, past a barber shop located within the subway entrance, and up onto Whatever-th Street - and there it is. This is it.
It is definitely well-written. Every sentence is a pleasure to read. But sometimes I feel like I'm floating on the surface and get bogged down in details. It lacks depth. All it can say about you is what a happy, eager, but pretty common tourist you are. The final paragraph is a bit vague.
"I smell tourist and if there is any law regarding the amount of seconds a person is permitted to stand in a single spot on the subway platform, I break it, because every ten seconds that pass, my unconscious surfaces to remind me that I am alone, and scared." -> The two clauses are quite irrelevant, at least to me.
Please have a look at mine!
Thank you so much.
