hi i will like you to grade my essay and help edit it all opinions will be well appreciated.
essay prompt: "Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story."
Easing the screen door and stepping into the yard filled with laughter rolled with squeaks. That was what most family Sundays ensued of. Making my way to the thick Black maple tree, I eased myself onto the blanket, everyone seemed to be having fun I was more or less the onlooker/ observer. I watched on as my cousins splashed around in the pool. Feeling eyes on me, I glanced over to the barbeque stand to meet my father's eyes, he gave me wink, as he made his way towards me, from shooing off bullies to challenging coaches - he has always been my hero, I get to "enjoy" his story telling skills often and from the look on his face I couldn't help but think one was on the way. He believes stories make more of an impact and are harder to forget. He also eased himself on the blanket.
"I thought we talked about this" he gestured towards the pool.
I nod "yeah .... I guess we did'
"So what's wrong?" he was looking me square in the eyes and when he did that there's just no hiding from him.
Shrugging " I don't know , I don't fit isn't that obvious?'
He gave me an incredulous look, which sparked something in me and fury erupted
'I don't want to make a fool of myself like I did the last time! ... Or would that make you happy?! "
He gave me a half smile and pulled me to him "look sugar ... If you always let what people think and certain situations affect you then you will end up achieving nothing"
He pulled me closer and smiled down at me " let me tell you a story .... Ok?'
I rolled my eyes at him. And he embarked on the story of his heritage.
Many hours later, laying wide awake with the moon light streaming in through the gap in the window sills, I was thinking about the story from earlier. From all he said I could gather that I was extremely more advantaged than he was as a child. At least: I didn't have to do farm work, I have all the living ad infrastructural resources I could ever need, I have average financial support and in the real sense I could be classified as comfortable. So if all this didn't stop him from becoming who he is today then why let a physical condition as minimal as being overweight and having a vulnerability that came from being my own person weigh me down.
Years later now thinking back to that day I consider as that ugly beautiful place where my soul meet my body. That night I learnt that on every journey you take, you face choices and obstacles. At every fork and lump in the road, you take a stance and make a choice and it is those decisions that will shape my life.
Hello,
I am not sure I learned anything about you from reading this essay, so the question remains....What is so central to your identity here that your application would be INCOMPLETE without sharing this information? I think that you are trying to say that the fact that you were overweight made you make choices based upon body image and not exactly what you would have wanted to do, but you have now changed. While this is great, it is more about growing pains and becoming comfortable in your own skin rather than something so central to your identity as central to your identity implies something current. - Admissions Advice Online
thanks for your reply will revise and repost
Khafayah, your essay didn't answer the prompt. One day's event can't central on your background and can't give the admission officer more details about your background.
I will suggest you make reference to other essay on this forum with the same prompt (I do see many with same prompt on this forum) to develop your own.
E check forum yi da da, e ma ri essay to fi ara pe eyi ti nko yi. I'm also a Nigerian :)
I hope I help.
The prompt you chose means that it should be a story that changed the way you think, made you who you are today and influenced your career aspirations. It is impossible for one event to do all that, I think it would be better if you think of something else that changed you. Everyone has a story and I'm sure you do too. Hope I helped :)
