Although science, history and math are my strong points in school, I was never a good essay writer so I have turned to this site for help. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Penn State Admissions Essay
Please choose one of your activities or another experience you would like to share and provide a short description of its importance to you. Include why that commitment could be relevant to your student experience at Penn State.
Throughout the summer of 2010, I made a commitment to myself and volunteered much of my time at Xcel Tiny Tots Day Care. While most of my friends were having fun in the activities that we all loved, I however was devoted to Tiny Tots. At first it took a while to become adapted to the environment of fifty children, some of which who were shy and sweet, and of course the others who were misbehaved and rampant. I would be forced to take a great deal of time to learn the personalities of the children and slowly try to build a friendship upon it. Although a friendship with the children was important to me, I kept the strict mentality as an adult and supervisor of the kids I was responsible for.
Though I was only a volunteer, I stuck to a schedule and took my work very seriously as if I was being paid for it. I would wake up at 7:30 A.M. to the abrupt beeps of my alarm every day, hit the snooze button a few times, and begin my morning with a cold shower and the unsatisfying breakfast I hurried to prepare myself. I greeted everyone, punched in at 9:00 A.M. and punched out at 6:00 P.M. The days of my summer vacation were spent less satisfying than I had originally expected them to be, but still I stuck to my commitment that I had made to myself to go to Tiny Tots everyday. Although the school work at Penn State may be tough and rigorous, I plan on challenging it with the same commitment and devotion as I did at Xcel Tiny Tots Day Care to complete the tasks at hand.
"While most of my friends were having fun in the activities that we all loved, I however was devoted to Tiny Tots."
I would try to give an example or two or the "activities that we all loved". Like so:
"While most of my friends spent their time watching tv, I devoted my time to Tiny Tots."
"At first it took a while to become adapted to the environment of fifty children, some of which who were shy and sweet, and of course the others who were misbehaved and rampant."
I don't think 'which' would be the right word to refer to people. 'Whom' would probably be better.
I would rephrase that like so:
"It took a while to adapt to the new environment. There were about fifty children, some of whom were shy and sweet, and others who were misbehaved and rampant."
"I would be forced to take a great deal of time to learn the personalities of the children and slowly try to build a friendship upon it."
Here, 'forced' may imply that you are not very keen on this activity. I would recommend a different word.
"Though I was only a volunteer..."
I would change that to "Although I was a volunteer..." It reduces unnecessary words.
I hope this helped!
Thanks a lot navalava.
...some of which who were shy and sweet, and of course the others who were misbehaved and rampant.--- you have a nice way of writing!
I would be forced to take a great deal of time to learn the personalities of the children and slowly try to build a friendship upon it the foundation of understanding.
...of the kids for whom I was responsible.
The days of my summer vacation were spent less satisfying than I had originally expected them to be, but still I stuck to my commitment that I had made to myself to go to Tiny Tots every day.---- every day should be 2 words. As one word, it is an adjective.
