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Yale Supplement Essay - The Barn Fire


Ivy_Equestrian 13 / 55  
Dec 28, 2009   #1
OK, so it's way too long - 613 words, and they'd rather it be around 500. I'm pruning as necessary but having a hard time pulling too much out. I also think the last paragraph needs more but I hate to up the word count... :/

"And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
-T.S. Eliot
The cataclysmic crash had thrown me backwards, and I willed my eyes to readjust as I stood. When they did, I couldn't believe the image they were transmitting to me. Slowly, seductively, a tantalizing finger of thick smoke beckoned to me from the roof, willing me forward as the world stopped turning. This couldn't be real.

"FIRE!" bellowed a voice, and the world resumed its orbit, pulling me swiftly back to reality. As if on cue, the sky darkened, and massive hailstones began cannoning down, beating like war-drums on the tin roof. The five of us scattered, adrenalized by the sweet, musky odor surrounding us. The smoke had wrapped its elegant fingers around the hay now, and the crackle-sssss-POP the flakes made as they ignited punctuated the hale's persistent beating.

I yanked open the nearest stall door, murmuring softly to the frightened horse inside. As I crept towards his head, he spun and kicked out, squealing in confusion and terror. I stumbled backwards, my pulse pounding throughout my body from the near-miss, and reattempted. This time, my fingers slid up his mane and I braced my body against him, throwing a rope around his neck as we rushed out of the barn. I slid down the slick embankment, threw open the gate, and released him. We each galloped in different directions. All around me, horses were screaming, kicking, slipping down the hill as we pulled them, white-eyed, from their stalls.

It was the explosion that stopped us in our tracks. The fire had spread to the far side of the barn, where a massive structure housed wood shavings that, when exposed to intense heat, combusted. Soaking wet and filthy, we mentally recounted all the horses, making sure we had gotten them all out of the burning building.

It was then that I heard the terrified scream from within the stable, shrilly cutting through the voluptuous rolls of smoke. Nestled in a stall in the center of the barn was a broodmare and her fortnight-old colt - how could we have overlooked them? Hurtling into action, I slipped on the sodden grass, teetered, and righted myself, dashing forward into the inferno. My cracked hands seared from the bullet-like hailstones and the charred embers raining down on me, and I choked on every lungful of ashy air. I felt my way into the stall, and grabbed onto the vague horse shape huddled against the back wall. The mare wouldn't budge, and her baby had no inclination of leaving without her. His small, hard feet struck out disorientated warnings. Time was swiftly running out.

"Grab the mare!" I coughed out. I knew what I had to do - it wouldn't be easy, but I had no choice. Avoiding his hooves, I wrapped my arms around the writhing colt's ribcage and hefted his 200-pound bulk off the ground. Staggering backwards, we escaped from the stall, the panicked mare pressing into me and her foal. As we reached the treacherous slope, I dug my heels into mud and tightened my grip on the spindly colt. He gave a terrific buck and my arm cracked, but I held on until we reached the field. I eased my way back up the hill and watched as the empty barn finally caved in.

It was on that day that I learned to ignore my self-imposed limitations. I discovered that I am capable of more than I could ever have imagined. That ill-placed lightning bolt shaped a part of me, and proved my worth as the new girl in the team. Do I dare? Yes, I do.
veshman 1 / 3  
Dec 29, 2009   #2
When they did, I couldn't believe the image they were transmitting to me

Maybe take this out. You do say "This couldn't be real" two sentences later.

The smoke had wrapped its elegant fingers around the hay now

I would take out elegant. It would fit if you referred to the fire as some sort of beautiful beast later on, but you don't go that route.

It was the explosion that stopped us in our tracks

Maybe "An explosion stopped us in our tracks" instead.

I felt my way into the stall, and grabbed onto the vague horse shape huddled against the back wall

You might get by without a comma here.

"Grab the mare!" I coughed out

You might consider removing this line. The reader will understand that you're grabbing the mare when you talk about lifting his 200 pound bulk.

This, in my opinion, qualifies as one of those essays that warrants extra words. I don't know how else you can save words without losing your awesome description.

This may be the best essay I've read on this site. It tells emphasizes your strong points through a captivating story.
OP Ivy_Equestrian 13 / 55  
Dec 29, 2009   #3
Wow, thank you so much! This essay was weirdly exhausting to write, I kept getting caught up in the memory and getting all shaky haha! I appreciate the issues you pointed out to - I'll adjust as needed! :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 6, 2010   #4
Slowly, seductively, a tantalizing finger...

I don't know if it is good to turn it erotic, with tantalizing and seducing. That certainly has weird value, but... I think you would need to complete the observation if you write this -- directly observing at the end of the sentence or in the next sentence, that the long, slowly lava lamping finger of smoke had a disturbing, seductive quality.

I think a good imagery metaphor would work well here, like... a long finger of thick smoke... how far away was it?

The ending seems incomplete. Why not take this opportunity to create a comparison to affirm your seriousness about college? Discuss your outlook on college, in your chosen program of study, while reflecting on this traumatic-yet-empowering experience. What has this got to do with college?

:-)


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