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-YALE- FOOTPRINT ON MY CHINESE HARDSHIPS


AlwaysL8 3 / 7 2  
Jan 2, 2017   #1
I'm struggling a lot to get this essay below word count :`) Please help!!! (259/200)

What is a community to which you belong? Reflect on the footprint that you have left. (You may define community and footprint in any way you like.)

"There are...uh, 6 million A-Asian American donors..."

She looked at me helplessly as thoughts stumbled over her locked tongue, finally resulting in unintelligible English, fidgeting, and an inevitably fading existence.

I understand her pain, since that was the beginning for all of us.

We Chinese transfer students have vainly attempted to integrate into this foreign society; searching for a sense of belonging, we formed a tightly-knit group of our own. Yet I longed to become an active member of this unfamiliar town and hoped to help those who also suffer from a cultural transition-I proposed to form a club, so that generations after us will have the same established source of support.

I established the Chinese Culture Club, which gradually expanded to 30 members, including many Korean and Japanese students. As president of the club, I organized weekly meetings, fundraising activities, and even persuaded the club to perform at the school's Diversity Rally; we danced in front of 2,700 high-schoolers, revealing who we were before coming to America, and our dedication to become a part of this community.

I initiated a Bone Marrow Drive for a young newlywed diagnosed with leukemia, and members were eager to participate. To create a larger impact, we agreed to give presentations in class instead of in addition to setting up a registration booth.

And there she was, losing her new voice in fear of the world's response.

Standing by her, I began to clap; the audience, awaking from the silence themselves, exploded into thundering applause.

Taking a deep breath, she began again.

jlee99 2 / 1  
Jan 3, 2017   #2
We Chinese transfer students have vainly attempted to integrate into this foreign society; searching for a sense of belonging, we formed a tightly-knit group of our own.(I think you could cut this out...I feel as if it doesn't fit well into the paragraph, as you go on to say you want to integrate yourself with others and find support).

I have no idea how many words this is now, but I think I cut down around twenty words? I liked this essay though, very interesting perspective!
Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Jan 3, 2017   #3
Kelly, first up, the opening paragraph of the essay focuses on someone other than you. Therefore, the essay does not open on the correct note. All references to any action in the essay must link back to you and highlight your actions. You cannot focus the essay on someone else and then try to call attention to yourself within the later parts. That is one of the reasons why your essay is over the word count. You should instead, be focusing on introducing yourself as a member of the Chinese club in your school, that is the community you belong to. Tell the story of how the club came to be. Only then should you introduce the footprint that you left by discussing the student whom your organization helped. You will need to adjust the closing statement though. No dialogue for the student that you helped is allowed in this essay. However, you can say that your group continues to help the student to this day.
OP AlwaysL8 3 / 7 2  
Jan 3, 2017   #4
@jlee99
Thank you so much!!

@Holt
Thank you so much for your suggestions!!


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