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Yale Supplement: Life in Boarding!


akshat4541 1 / 1  
Dec 30, 2009   #1
'Dad', I looked at him with teary eyes and in my broken English said 'Please don't leave here me, don't!'

Even the air in the boarding school seemed to demand a level of discipline, maturity and competence. Even the school's entrance gate seemed intimidating for a five year old. It looked like those haunted castles, one seen from under a blanket while watching those countless Dracula movies.

My father sympathetically smiled at me and said, "You have to do this son. This is for your own good."

I had no idea of what good it would bring to me but nevertheless I entered the boarding school and timidly looked at all the boys in identical navy blue blazers and gray shorts, walking with their heads high and shoulders straight. Their disciplined posture and plastered grins felt ominous of the austerity I would have to endure.

The gray haired Headmaster kept constantly smiling at me the moment I entered his office for my interview. His gray eyes twinkled when he smiled. Finally he said 'I hope you'll learn something important here son!'

...
______________________________________________________________________ _____

WORD COUNT: 535

I NEED TO CUT DOWN 35 WORDS!!

How do I come across in this essay??? Do you like it?

Please Help!! I'll return the favor!!
Envie 4 / 60  
Dec 30, 2009   #2
" Dad" , I looked at him with teary eyes and in my broken English, I said " Please don't leave me here me , don't!"

Even the air in the boarding school seemed to demand a level of discipline, maturity, and competence.

My father sympathetically smiled at me and said, "You have to do this, son. This is for your own good."

I had no idea of what good it would bring to me but nevertheless I entered the boarding school and timidly looked at all the boys, walking with their heads high, shoulders straight, and in identical navy blue blazers and gray shorts, walking with their heads high and shoulders straight . Their disciplined posture and plastered grins felt ominous of the austerity I would have to endure.

The gray haired Headmaster kept constantly smiling at me the moment I entered his office for my interview. His gray eyes twinkled when he smiled. Finally he said 'I hope you'll learn something important here son !'

"Yes Father" I replied in a tone dripping with disbelief. ARE YOU TALKING TO YOUR REAL FATHER OR THE HEADMASTER? NOT CLEAR

I soon made friends. My broken English soon started following the rules of grammar.

The school I attended was a Jesuit oneJesuit-affiliated . I knew more about the Bible than the Bhagavad-Gita. I celebrated Christmas cheerfully while I was oblivious to Diwali.

Students from all over India could be found in those little yet cozy dormitories of the boarding school. Buddhists or Christians or Muslims or Hindus, you name it and you could find them sharing a table in the eating room or sitting on the same desk in the study hall or playing basketball in the playground.Buddhists, Christians, Muslims, and Hindus shared a table in the eating room or sat on the same desk in the study hall or played basketball in the playground here.

The unique diversity, in religion and ethics, was accompanied with often remarkably clashing ideas and practices. Discussions and debates were inevitably intense and deep. Everything under the sun was discussed in those cozy dormitories and most of us almost always changed our stance on the discussion when we got to hear of all the sides of the coins (there were always more than two) .

The school taught me everything that I pride in myself... The late-night discussions taught me tolerance; I learnted to listen to all sides of an issue before formulating my stance on itown opinion . The eating room taught me that there is unity even in diversity; though we followed different religion, we all shared the same concept of friendship and virtue. The study hall taught me competitiveness; I always tried my level best to top my friends. The playgrounds taught me...well they just taught me how to have fun...

Everything I learnted there is still etched on me... I earnted a lot of important things just like the Headmaster hoped I would...

The boarding school after all did prove to be good for me, just like my Dad said it would. be...

You come off as an applicant who is trying to cram a lot of "favorable" characteristics into an essay. At times, your point is unclear and there are many colloquial words that you should replace with more formal ones. Also, I noticed you use ' instead of " for your quotes which I changed for some. Also, you have few sentences that are wholly unnecessary. Some of them, I marked especially, "The playgrounds taught me...well they just taught me how to have fun..." I get that you were trying to add in humor but the sentence, to be honest, isn't funny and is not appreciated. LEARNT vs. LEARNED. Learnt, I think, is obsolete so I changed them to the standard English spelling.

There were some grammatical errors which is understandable seeing you are an international student (like me~! ^^) but it clashes with one of your sentence where you say your English started following the rules of grammar. I suggest you definitely go over the whole essay to take out unnecessary phrases and to correct both punctuation and grammatical errors. Syntactical variety also makes the essay more interesting so aim for that.
OP akshat4541 1 / 1  
Dec 30, 2009   #3
Hey Envie

Thanks a lot, that was great advice!

I really liked your view point on it!!

Since we are being so frank ( which is exactly what I want!!)...I want to ask if you approve of the material?? Is it very dry?? very uninteresting!???

Please be frank!!
Envie 4 / 60  
Dec 30, 2009   #4
Before I say my opinion, what is the prompt?


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