-English isn't my first language (I'm from Puerto Rico), so any linguistic corrections are always welcome. Please comment on any part of my essay, with a good essay I'm pretty confident that I'll get into Yale :D
The first time I realized that I had to make a drastic change was on my 13th birthday, June 20, 2005. After having gluttonously eaten several pieces of cake, I ran to my room and stared sharply at myself in the mirror. I had never thought that my bulbous figure had even been any sort of issue (although it was the subject of many embarrassing insults), but after staring at my 5 feet, 187 pound body for almost an hour, I cried violently from embarrassment. "How could I allow this to happen to myself?" I asked myself; for once in my life, I didn't feel the invincibility that many 13 year-olds feel. After much introspection, I finally decided to make a change, to lose weight. I ran to my mother and, with tears running down my red cheeks, I told her that I wanted to lose weight. I also included that I didn't want to lose weight for anyone else but myself; I didn't want to lose weight because I was criticized or pushed to do so, I wanted to lose weight because I respected myself and my body enough to love it and take care of it.
A week later, I nervously entered the Jenny Craig centre near my house. Although I expected to be gushing of embarrassment, I felt a faint tinge of pride as I entered the white halls of the centre. "Próximo en fila, favor de reportarse" (which translates to "Next in line, please report yourself") said the black haired receptionist and I knew she referred to me. I held my mother's cold hand as I entered the office of who was to become a driving force in my life for the next few months. The consultant asked, "Dime, żpor qué ud. quiere perder peso a tan temprana edad?" ("So, tell me, why do you want to lose weight at such an early age?") and I simply answered, "Porque yo me amo a mi mismo lo suficiente..." ("Because I love myself enough..."). A week later I was 5 pounds lighter and feeling a flood of joy and satisfaction.
However, I never expected what was still to come. A month later, the tiny, pre-packaged meals seemed to be the sole sculptors of my teenage body - I had lost around 30 pounds. Two months later, these pre-packaged meals finished their masterpiece, and I could not be more grateful. I didn't really care for all the complements I received from other students (although they felt great), because the most satisfying part of it all was to look in the mirror in amazement, not in shame and that I inspired others to love themselves enough to take care of their bodies. I thank these little sculptors every day of my life.
What's the question you are trying to answer. And I think you could start your essay off with something more interesting. Maybe you could put this as your first line.
"Próximo en fila, favor de reportarse"
Start your story off with a scene in the Jenny Craig's place and go on to explain why you were there and what made you decide you needed a change in your life.
I don't know if it is necessary to include the original Spanish. It's sort of interesting to read, but the space might be better saved for a discussion of what you learned from this experience and how you can use that to make Yale a better place.
The supplement essay for yale doesn't ask a question, it just asks you to talk about yourself:
"You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, the Short Answer, and the Personal Essay. While we leave the topic of your second essay entirely up to you, try telling us something about yourself that you believe we cannot learn elsewhere in your application. Please limit yourself to fewer than 500 words."
I really just wanted to write about the moment I realized to change my life, so i really dont want to eliminate the first paragraph entirely. Should I edit it, perhaps?
The first paragraph is fine. So is the Spanish. But, you need to talk more about how the experience relates to you as a potential Yale student. So, since you end up translating the Spanish anyway, you have something you can get rid of to make space for the extra stuff you need to add.
