These are my two supplemental essays for Yale on the Common Application. Please be critical. For the first one I used a poem that I wrote, and I am not sure if it works well. It is supposed to be in stanzas, but the common app does not allow additional spaces.
1E). In this essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application, or on something about which you would like to say more. You may write about anything-from personal experiences or interests to intellectual pursuits.
We are supposed
to follow the rules,
to do what society tells us,
to follow the road more traveled by.
Yet we are supposed
to be
individuals,
and think for our own.
But how?
But when?
And why?
And where?
Are we supposed to be ourselves,
or mold to be the "Barbie" of today
and be slim and trim
and wear heels everywhere?
Or are we supposed to be the President
every single day,
being the most analytical
prim, proper person?
How about I become the person
that I want to be,
someone who lives
day by day.
Minute by minute
I will become the person
who I will only finally be
at the minute of my death.
And I realize
that I have found
the key to a happy life,
the I need to live my own life.
But for some
that is difficult,
not as easily
said as done.
But I have
something I can share with them,
some advice
that can make all the difference.
Simply live
here, now,
it might be hard,
but it shouldn't be.
2E). If you selected one of the engineering majors, please write a brief essay telling us what has led you to an interest in this field of study, what experiences (if any) you have had in engineering, and what it is about Yale's engineering program that appeals to you.
My first interest in Biomedical Engineering came from a situation that at the time was not a positive experience. My Human Anatomy and Physiology teacher was consistently gone from school, and so we usually were stuck watching a boring "science teacher" movie with a sub who liked to stop the video and comment on it, which was extremely annoying. So, as you can probably tell, I usually came to class with a negative outlook for that day. But one day there was a movie that caught my interest within the first minute of the video. It was a Discovery Channel series, and it had to do with multidisciplinary fields of medicine. Most of the video related to regenerative medicine. The thing that amazed me the most was the skin gun. A guy who had second degree burns on most of his body was sprayed with his stem cells, and four days later, the burn ward considered his skin healed. Since then, I have been investigating the field of Biomedical Engineering. I have been preparing for this field of study by taking as many science and math classes as possible. I have not had a heavy engineering background, as I am more interested in the bio- part of the biomedical engineering program. Now as for why Yale specifically, I often get asked the same question by my peers. They ask, "Why do you want to go to go to Yale? Why not go to a school with an older program?" Well for me, it isn't about the prestige of the program, or how long it has been in existence, but instead the personality and passion of the professors who will be teaching me for the next four years. I love reading about the research that has been and is being done at Yale. I am exited to be a part of this program in its founding years, and hope that it makes my founding years of college the best experience of my life.
For your poem, the message you are trying to convey is clear and positive. I like that. However, the examples (Barbie, President) and the phrases (road less travelled) used are rather hackneyed and unoriginal. Consider making it personal and unique to you and no one else.
For your engineering piece, there are two main issues.
1) 'so we usually were stuck watching a boring "science teacher" movie with a sub who liked to stop the video and comment on it, which was extremely annoying.'
Minimise negativity in your essays. You don't want to risk having any negative connotations associated with you. 'extremely annoying' only makes you sound puerile and unfit for Yale.
2) 'the personality and passion of the professors who will be teaching me for the next four years'
Specify which professor inspires you the most. This shows that you have done your research and are truly committed in your decision to attend Yale. Otherwise, it comes across as vague and unconvincing.
Hope this helps!
~amorphous1
Thank you amorphous1.
I subsequently have revised my engineering essay:
My first interest in Biomedical Engineering came from a situation that at the time was not entirely a positive experience. My Human Anatomy and Physiology teacher was consistently gone from school, and so we usually were stuck watching movies about things that never really related to what we were learning. So, as you can probably tell, I usually did not look forward to class when I knew he would be gone. But one day there was a movie that caught my interest within the first minute of the video. It was a Discovery Channel series, and it had to do with multidisciplinary fields of medicine. Most of the video related to regenerative medicine. The thing that amazed me the most was the skin gun. A guy who had second degree burns on most of his body was sprayed with his stem cells, and four days later, the burn ward considered his skin healed. Since then, I have been investigating the field of Biomedical Engineering. I have been preparing for this field of study by taking as many science and math classes as possible. Now as for why Yale specifically, I often get asked the same question by my peers. They ask, "Why do you want to go to go to Yale? Why not go to a school with a more established program?" Well for me, it isn't about the prestige of the program, or how long it has been in existence, but instead the personality and passion of the professors who will be teaching me for the next four years. I love reading about the research that is being done at Yale. I am particularity inspired by Dr. W. Mark Saltzman, because not only is he motivated to do research for the good of human wellness, but he is also committed to helping teach undergraduates like me, as can be clearly seen in his book, Biomedical Engineering: Bridging Medicine and Technology, which makes biomedical engineering comprehensible, without ever attending a lecture. When I read this, I get that butterfly-like feeling of excitement, and I am so eager to be a part of this program in its founding years, and hope that it makes my founding years of college the best experience of my life.
