I am worried that this essay is too filled with descriptions of my achievement rather than insights, value. Should I edit this essay so that it sounds more story-telling? Also, I would appreciate any comment on this essay. I am an international student and bit worried about my grammar as well.
Yale- In this essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application, or on something about which you would like to say more. You may write about anything-from personal experiences or interests to intellectual pursuits. (Please answer in 500 words or less).
I click the submit button to upload my suggestion regarding organ donation on the People's Online Petition Portal.Watching the number of hits increased exponentially over few days excites me. My goal through this petition is to reduce the number of deaths by mitigating the existing problem in organ donations in Korea.
My freshman year, I joined a club called "Lifeguard" which makes public campaigns to promote organ donation in subway stations. However, all we did during our campaign was hand organ donation sign-up forms to passer-bys at a nearby subway station. The result of two hours of such work was pitiable: two people signed up for after-death donations.
While the low supply of organs is an international problem, it is especially worse in Korea due to Confucian ideals preventing many Koreans from signing up as donors, combined with the government's lack of effort to actively notify its citizens of the need for organ donation.
After I became the captain of the club, I ran a survey to see which factors affect people's attitudes toward brain death organ donation. Surprisingly, while 44.7% of people were willing to donate their organs, the reason that half of those willing volunteers hadn't signed up as donors was simply their lack of information or opportunity.
Thus, I started to look for a way to give people more access to signing up for organ donation. I mainly looked for organ donation policies enacted currently abroad. I found that, as in the United States, connecting the information from the Korean Network for Organ Sharing with the Korean Drivers' License Center would drastically increase the number of donor signups. If answering the question whether to sign up for organ donation or not is included in the driving license application form and people can sign up just by answering this question, those people who answered yes for my survey would become potential donors.
The problem was to find out how I, a mere high school student can actually make a law that will change the nation. I decided to fight the law head on. My first step in trying to achieve this feat was by sending a letter to the appropriate government officials. However, no one replied.
As I pondered over the solution, I explained the policy that I had thought of and asked for help from the Korean Organ Donor Program, the organization which assigned my first campaign. After they contacted the officials, I met with the officials to express my concern and suggest alternatives. As the law was passed and will soon be put into action, I am excitedly waiting to see the effects of the changes I am making. These changes are my passion and the impetus for me to seek further education to broaden the knowledge to be used in the future to make a change.
Lee, your essay presents a sociocivic side of your personality that I am sure was not touched upon by the other common apps. This is good work that can be made even better. My suggestion is to write the narrative based upon the development of your interest in the cause. By presenting is development prior to your petition story, you will be able to present an accurate description n of this character trait and its importance to you.
Hello,
This is a really great story. However, you are applying to Yale and because of this, your writing style needs to be a bit more fluid. Furthermore, you need to add specifics here. Instead of saying "Pending Law" tell us the name of the law. Give us specifics about your involvement so that they can be verified or at least found on the internet. Many adcoms WILL attempt to verify this story after reading it. The more specifics you provide will help them out. Once verified, this story will give you a huge advantage in the admissions process. - Admissions Advice Online
Hi, your grammar is fine throughout the essay.
When you explained the deliberate steps you've taken after you became captain (taking surveys), and emailing officials, you demonstrated that you were really passionate about the issue and wanting to effect change to the current situation, so I am sure the adcoms will get that.
I can't think of how you could better improve the current draft as it is really comprehensive.
I was confused about the petition you mentioned in your introduction and the law you suggested being passed. Was the law passed after you met with the Korean Organ Donor Program or after your petition was successful and the government took notice?
Hope this helps!
