Please tell me what you think and I will happily return the favor!
You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, the Short Answer, and the Personal Essay. While we leave the topic of your second essay entirely up to you, try telling us something about yourself that you believe we cannot learn elsewhere in your application. Please limit yourself to fewer than 500 words.
I was warned beforehand that Adrian had considerable difficulty retaining what he learns and completing his weekly homework assignments. Despite what I was told, I felt confident that, as his tutor, I could easily propel Adrian to the top of his fourth grade English class. I was in for a rude awakening.
At every session, Adrian tried to remember what he had previously learned but to no avail. Whenever I quizzed him, he would start pounding his fist against his head, thinking hard about what I thought were simple questions. After a while, I started to unconsciously show my own frustration by shaking my head and letting out sighs.
It dawned upon me when I started raising my voice to him. As red marks filled the pages of his workbook, Adrian emanated this frustration, this feeling that I knew-oh too well. I was reminded of my own rough beginnings. Adrian was struggling with English as I had struggled to get a grasp of the language when I moved to America at the age of five. Most teachers found my slow learning pace an annoyance. My insensitive behavior was no better than the impatience of those teachers. I knew I had to change not only my methods, but also my attitude.
I came to recall my ESL teacher in elementary school. Never did she complain to my parents about my slow progress or my inherent shyness. Through creative approaches, she guided me on my path to fluency. Soon, I was able to read independently. By the second grade, I became fluent enough to translate for students who had recently emigrated from China. I resolved to pass on the care and attention that she had given me.
With a spark of innovation, I was able to offer a guiding hand with my own experiences from happy memories to embarrassing accidents. For the new weekly assignment that I assigned, I told Adrian to write down his thoughts, dreams, and experiences as narratives, letters, dialogues, or other forms of the written word. The goal was to have an exchange of stories. I purposefully wrote my entries to reveal some of my vulnerabilities. Although my intentions were orchestrated, my stories were genuine. I wanted them to inspire Adrian to let go of his fear of disappointment and failure.
It took some time and coaxing before Adrian shared his writings with me. Eventually, he opened up. As time passed, the assignment evolved into a game of sorts. Challenging him to implement the lessons he learned in class into his writing, I supplemented Adrian's journal assignments with personally-designed worksheets and study guides. His writing improved drastically. When I first started tutoring Adrian, he couldn't even differentiate between nouns and adjectives. He had trouble remembering the purpose of commas months earlier, much less using them in his writings. All of this-was in the past.
Adrian told me he used to be intimidated by my presence. Now he sees me as a mentor, a confidant, a friend.
word count: 500
hi! first, thank you so much for grammar checking my essay! that was really helpful! (=
okay as for your essay, i think it would be better if you wrote about an anecdote (story) about adrian rather than just saying that adrian was difficult. that way it could grab the readers attention in the beginning of the essay. also your first paragraph had a lot of repeating of the same words like adrian. try varying your sentence lengths too. i like your ending tho! and your grammar is flawless! to me, at least)
hope i helped! (=
btw, can you please grammar check my other essay: a happy essay? i also need to figure out a way to shorten it more... thank you so much!!
How impressive it is that you were an ESL stuent, and now you have such excellent command of English.
it is also very impressive that you are a tutor.
With a spark of innovation, I was able to offer a guiding hand by applying my own experiences, from happy memories to embarrassing accidents. For the new weekly assignment, that I assigned I told Adrian to write...
I think this is a great topic and that it will be well-received.
