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YALE SECOND ESSAY: "THE PIECES OF ME"


heavyman 1 / -  
Dec 19, 2009   #1
Hi ! Please kindly critique my Yale second essay on the grammar, content,& clarity.I'm afraid if it does say more about me. it's also too long cos the required length is 500 words. what can I delete

to make it more concise? Thank you very much for your help.

The question is: you have already told us about yourself in the common app... try telling us something you believe we can't learn elsewhere in your application.

N.B I also want to use it for Harvard's Additional Information in the supplement.
thanks once again.

"THE PIECES OF ME"
How many children can boast of sucking from the juicy breasts of a grandma or rocking on the aged but comforting kneels of a grandpa? Since a tender age of three months, I've been living with my grandparents. They were the mum and dad I new before I recognized my real parents. "Papa is that woman truly my mum?" I asked in child-like wonder. I observed that this particular woman does bring me the usual kids' tit bits that had previously differentiated me from the other kids. Proceeding further in my questions I asked grandpa for my dad and he replied that he would soon come for me. After some time both parent started visiting me and I discovered that I have a younger brother. But the visits didn't last, for the cause of the initial separation came back with full force and finality. And I was permanently left with my grandparents to be nurtured, guided, and influenced to overcome challenges.

Grandpa was the indulging, supporting parent. He hated to see me upset and he rarely spank me but gently correct. He was the one that often have a listening ears for my dreams and ambitions so he helped shaped the driven me. Then he began to fall ill, but he usually recovers from it. However, in my final year of junior secondary, after a terrible one, he died. I wept so much. Remembering his last days, as I bath him, brush his teeth, or simply make his bed, he would encourage me more to realize my dream of becoming a physician.

Grandma, on the other hand, disciplined and trained me. She built up the hardworking and tenacious me. From an early age, she has taught me about keeping the house and taking care of the younger ones. In addition, I helped run her fish monging business. I travelled to the neighboring town to purchase fish for resale at the local market. Also, I became skilled at accounting and customer care. At the time of grandpa's death, I had sufficiently mastered the business that I simply took over from her, till she completed the necessary forty-days of mourning. Though I sometimes rebelled against her because I thought she is too strict. But now, I am grateful for the work ethic and initiative that she had instilled in me. And I missed so much the mediating presence of grandpa whenever I had a quarrel with her.

Another strong influence in my life is my absconded dad. After the separation, he never bothered to care for my brother and me. Though I missed the presence of a father especially after grandpa's death, but I didn't before it. Upon reflecting on his absence, I realized that I might not have been who I am now. There is a likelihood of erring if I had been under his protection. I gained a strength of character and a sense of purpose from my grandparents which is the best any child could be offered.

Yet another piece of me was influenced by my mum. She didn't falter in her duties. Visiting me regularly and providing me with moral and spiritual support, she further encouraged me in my ambition. Even when I encounter oppositions on my decision of declining offers of undesired career options, she stood by me. I was determined to follow the rhythmic course of my heart and to bring smiles to peoples' faces. Although I have known the frustration of wearily waiting for my dream to come true, I am prepared to overcome all obstacles and have my medical career.

Several pieces of me are still unfolding. And a bold step towards a complete but not perfect, matured and passionate young woman, determined to contribute to her society is getting a well rounded education. Is Harvard willing to fulfill this role?
alijaffri 2 / 6  
Dec 19, 2009   #2
nicely written
except for a few flaws it truly reflects your mastery with the language
good job
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 21, 2009   #3
Ali, I hope you'll start giving some ideas as well as encouragement. It is nice that you offer kind words, but if you spend a little time you can give them some ideas to consider, and it'll help make their essays better! Even if you are not confident in your own composition skill, you can give some ideas.

Add a comma:
"Papa, is that woman truly my mum?" I asked in child-like wonder.

...tid bits that had previously differentiated...

At the time of grandpa's death, I had sufficiently mastered the business so that I could simply take over for her until she had completed the necessary forty-days of mourning.

I want to tell you that the first sentence of this essay seems weirdly disturbing. It certainly does hook the attention, but I just don't know if "suck the juicy breasts of grandma" help to express your central idea for this essay. The strange first sentence might distract the reader from what is important about your essay.


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