This is my essay for the Yale Young Global Scholars, answering the question: Please tell us about the factors that have influenced you the most and how they have shaped you. (500 word limit). What do you think I should change? Any grammar errors?
Currently, it has 492 words.
"The Cry For Justice"
The 2015 Vaughan Car Crash had an impact in my life. It was a devastating tragedy in Ontario, Canada that claimed four innocent lives, three young children and their grandfather. This was the result of an irresponsible decision by the driver to drive under the influence, having three times the legal amount of alcohol in his blood. I decided to take a close watch on this case. After all, I had faith in the system, that it will guarantee that justice will be served. When I looked at the picture of the victims, their smiling faces haunted me. I closed my eyes and prayed for their souls to find peace.
Months later, much to my dismay, I discovered that the perpetrator was sentenced to only ten years in prison and would be eligible for parole in three years. His license to drive would be revoked for just a bit over a decade. I was infuriated. These pieces of information made my blood boil: this is a travesty of justice. Why is his prison sentence not longer than ten years? Why is he even eligible for parole? Why was not his punishment severe enough? In addition, I was concerned about the ripple effect that the tragedy has on the victims' family and friends. Above all, there was no justice for the victims. It was as if they were mere cadavers that could be easily disposed of and that their killer gets a mild punishment.
The case opened a new door in my life. The anger, the hunger, and the yearning for a sense of justice had amalgamated. As a result, I decided to dedicate my life to criminal justice. I want to fight for the underdog, and for those who want their voices heard loudly and clearly by everyone. I want the justice system to regard victims as people who would have had a future, that they were people with value, and that they were individuals who could have changed someone's life. Thus, I immersed myself in activities related to criminal justice, such as applying to the University of Toronto's Criminal Law session last summer to learn more about the system. I was described by the educators as the "Most Aggressive Lawyer," a title I have been proud of since. I also began volunteering for Mothers Against Drunk Driving and the Toronto Police as a Youth Corps Volunteer to work with the police force and be an eye to maintain my community's safety. Someday, I want to become a legislator who will initiate reforms and public discussions on the effectiveness of the system in assuring to deliver justice for the victims. I wake up every day to thank God that I am blessed to be alive, safe and sound. I want this to be the reality for everyone and I will fight tooth and nail to ensure that. As Martin Luther King Jr. once proclaimed, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."[/b]Hi instead of writing 'I decided to take a close watch on this case' - either ' I decided to follow the proceedings of the legal trials of the case cloasely' sounds more appropriate.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 Bernard, you have chosen a compelling case to present for your interest in law. The case truly contains factors that could help shape and influence you. However, your motivation to become a lawyer needs to be a collection of various injustices, not just one case in particular. Each case that gained your interest should relate to a more serious criminal law that was violated and yet, the guilty party got away with what you believe to be a slap on the wrist. That way, the influence of these cases on your person will truly amount to someone who would eventually try to become a crusader for justice. At the moment, this singular case doesn't really accomplish that. Think about it, there are other people of the same age as you who was influenced in mindset by the Vaughn case, but not all of them turned to a life of justice. That is because this single case is not unique. Manslaughter cases based on driving under the influence is more common than you think.
No, a unique, singular case that could influence you to become a justice warrior is something like the Laci Peterson case or a murder case wherein the criminal mind development of the perpetrator is evident and truly compelling enough to make you want to become a lawyer just to put guys like that in the death chamber. Try to come up with one or two more similar profile cases from your country within the past 5 years. Then work those into the essay so that you can better develop your interest, factors, and legal character shaping mindset on your end.
Hello Mary, thank you for the suggestion. I am Canadian, so I thought that it is better if I focus on Canadian cases. I considered American cases, but I felt like I had no real connection with them because they are so far from home and America's criminal laws differ from state to state. In Canada, we only have a Criminal Code that all provinces and territories are bound to.
I chose the Vaughan case because Canada has demonstrated itself to be too lenient even if four individuals wounded up dead. That is what I wanted to change.
