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7 Year BS/MD Application Essay/Common App

rasberritanjelo 1 / 2  
Sep 7, 2010   #1
When you look at me, you see a typical teenage girl who is going through problems of everyday life. If you get to know me and possibly ask me the question of why I want to be a doctor, I could tell you a little story.

Back in first grade, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's. It is an autoimmune disease that affects my thyroid and eventually affected my ovaries too. Since first grade the only thing consistent with my medical life was that I was taking pills daily to supplement the lack of hormones in my body.

After years of blood tests and scans, my doctor decided that she wanted to put me on growth hormone. I would have to daily injections for about a year ...

I am planning on using this essay for my common app and some of the bs/md supplements.
I know its a little weak, I'm not the best at essay writing.
Thanks for taking the time!

scarecrowd 8 / 16  
Sep 9, 2010   #2
You should check more about your tense and Active/Passive. That's all i got from your essay.
I'm just beginner in writing too. Keep on practice. Fighto!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,324 129  
Sep 9, 2010   #3
Hey, this has something great that not all essays have. You are keeping a meaningful theme in this essay: I don't look any different from other teenagers, but I have something that is motivating me and making me feel passionate about medicine.

So.. that is very good. I think you need to add a new sentence right after the first sentence of this essay so you can express this theme:

When you look at me, you see a typical teenage girl who is going through problems of everyday life. (add a sentence about an invisible motivator, something that you carry with you in your mind). If you get to know me and possibly ask me the question of why I want to be a doctor, I could tell you a little story about _____________ (give a good word here to express the meaning of the story).

What concept will you use? "..a little story about ________."

Also, it will be good if you cite some professional articles to show that you are already learning about the aspect of the medical field you want to enter. It will be great if you cite some authorities in the kind of medicine you want to practice. Read some recent articles for inspiration and citations! :-)
OP rasberritanjelo 1 / 2  
Sep 12, 2010   #4
Thank you guys so much for looking at my essay. I kind of rewrote most of it but I tried to keep the same theme since that is what lead me to be interested in medicine.

Also do you think I could use this as my common app essay as well as for the question why do you want to study medicine? thanks!

I opened the door and sat against the door. I stared at the stupid painting in front of me trying to figure out what it was but more importantly trying to figure out the audible murmurs inside the room. Nothing mattered right now but to know what they were talking about inside. I've seen this in movies; the doctor sends the child out to talk to their parents in private. But the thing is I wasn't a child, I was 13 and I had the right to know everything that my doctor was saying in there. My mom opened the door and I walked back into the room fully expecting to shun them. My doctor simply said that the visit was over and everything was perfect. We left the building and my dad left to go to work. I was confident that I would be able to pull it out of my mom and learn this big secret that they were keeping from me. We entered the car and the doors shut loudly drowning out the beating of my heart. I was scared to ask my mom but at the same time I was adamant about finding out. I asked her calmly about what happened and she just said that there was a bunch of stuff that was a little hard to understand and they didn't want to overwhelm me. I was still curious but I turned the radio up and stared out the window.

When you look at me, I look like a typical teenager. You probably can't even tell that there is something wrong with my health. In first grade, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's, an auto immune disease that targeted my thyroid. I didn't have all of the hormones that my body needed to grow and develop so taking hormone supplements, growth hormone injections, estrogen patches, and birth control pills soon became a familiarity in my life. I felt completely fine when I took my medicine so I was never concerned about being different from the rest of my friends. On the outside, I was just like them.

Then, one day I had a doctor's visit that should have been a routine check-up but when I was sent out of the room so my doctor and my parents could discuss, I knew that there was a problem. I later found out that my ovaries, just like my thyroid were not working. I would not be able to have children. For the first time in my life, the information that my doctor told me finally registered and I realized that I was not like everybody else. For my whole life, the medicines that I took helped to make me look and feel like everybody else. But this moment, I realized how much I am not like many others and I would have suffered without my doctor, the medicines, and the progress that has been made in the medical world. I was fascinated by the normalcy of my life and I could not imagine how it would feel to actually be sick. The realization that medicine has made it possible for me to go to school, interact with others, and enjoy activities that I would otherwise be unable to, motivates me to provide the same help for others in the future.
sfrick 4 / 14  
Sep 12, 2010   #5
Would you please provide the Essay Topic? I ask this so that I can offer you some advice on how you can better structure your essay.

BTW... I can somewhat relate to you. I have a rare form of Anhidrosis Psoriasis. It's a genetic disease and at one point covered 80% of my head and 70% of my torso. I've had to hide behind heavy makeup and clothes.
OP rasberritanjelo 1 / 2  
Sep 13, 2010   #6
the essay im writing about is for:

why do you want to study medicine?


Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,324 129  
Sep 21, 2010   #7
A nice thing to add to this would be a paragraph about the articles you have already read, some books you have read, and what your particular interests are. For example, I might want to be a neurologist and also a cognitive therapist, so I could write an essay about that particular combination of interest.

If you are particularly interested in "medicines," maybe you want to learn about medicines from all over the world and compare them to get a sense of the truths that underlie them all. Whatever your interests, you have probably read about them, so maybe you should mention things you have read.

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