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My year as a foreign exchange student in the US, Common Application / own topic


knutschfleck 1 / 1  
Dec 18, 2009   #1
Hey I am a german Student who wants to apply for college in the US. I am not very good in writing essays. So please tell me what is wrong and how I could write my essay better. Thanks

My year as a foreign exchange student in the US was an amazing experience and changed my perception of school and the people in my sphere. I stayed the year with a very kind host family, which chose me from about one hundred exchange students applying for a year in the land of Stars and Stripes. The city I lived in was about a two hour car drive from New York City and approximately two hours from Boston. It was a great place to be in and everybody in the town was friendly. No one said bad things about me just because I am from Germany. The longest time I have ever been away from my parents was one week, but now I was four thousand miles away from them for a whole year. I had a difficult time the first couple of weeks, because I missed my brother a lot who has always been in my past for the last 16 years. Something what helped a lot was that they called me almost every day, but it was just not the same as being with them. I had a lot of friends and I was pretty good in school. The courses I took helped me finding out what field of study I want to take. I took a lot of Computer classes and learned so much about it that I think tanking computer classes in College too. I also got interested in engineering and architectural. I had a great time with my classes and I always had a luck taking the classes I like. My host family helped me wherever they could and wanted to let me see everything about Connecticut. So they drove me and my host brother to Hartford to see the city where a lot of insurance companies do have their headquarters. We also drove all the way to the beach in Long Island in the summer, so I can see the Atlantic Ocean. I also played hockey at the school hockey team. The Team was wonderful and very kind. They accepted me right away and helped me get into the rough rules of an American hockey league.

I changed more. But I know I still have to use more professional words :D thats just the rough thing I want to write in it.

Thanks for all the reply

erinhcho 6 / 20  
Dec 18, 2009   #2
hello :)
i am an international student, too!

okay
first, i want to tell you some words that you better not use for the college essay
thing -> what thing? write details for your college essay. thing, stuff, etc...
numbers -> don't write 15, fifteen is better

i don't know what colleges you apply to, but i think your words are very simple for admission essay
find synonym for your words (especially verbs and adjectives)

and i am sorry that i can't help you with grammars
b/c i am not good at fixing grammars, but i can see you have a lot of errors in your essay
i don't really know what way is better to say for your sentences
so just wait for another answers
i am really sorry about that!
OP knutschfleck 1 / 1  
Dec 19, 2009   #3
I changed a little bit... so i hope it is a bit better... but i would be still very happy for your responds!!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,324 129  
Dec 21, 2009   #4
My year as an exchange student in the U.S. was an amazing experience that changed my way of ...

I spent the year with a very nice and hospitable family, which selected me over 100 other exchange students (no comma necessary here) to stay with them for my year as a foreign exchange student in the land of Stars and Stripes.

No one is said bad things about me (no comma necessary here) or judged me because I am from Germany. I had a difficult time the first few weeks because ...

This is great, but can you connect it to your intended field of study n some way? One theme is that people were accepting of you and not prejudiced. that is good, and your mention of it shows that you are not prejudiced against people either. This is important wisdom, so I hope you will be able to use that wisdom in college and as a professional. Think about possibly adding another dimension to this essay: let the reader know that this experience helped you to become certain about your decision to enter the field of ________.


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