I love dance. Each movement, facial expression, and hand gesture is choreographed to build a beautiful composition. My life has been formed in the same way you would choreograph a dance. Each person and experience have combined to create the person I am today.
My beginning step is my family. When I say family, I do not mean my dad, mom and two brothers, I mean my entire extended family of fifty or sixty. In my community, we don't have a word for cousin, we only have words for brother and sister. I have twenty-four brothers and sisters, as well as my thirty-three aunts and uncles that I can count on no matter what. When I was trying to figure out what I was going to write about in my essay, they never stopped giving their advice. Sometimes, I just wanted to give up, but that isn't the Das way.
I started playing piano when I was four years old. At first, it was because my mom wanted at least one of her children to be musically talented, even though she cannot hit a beat to save her life. After a couple years learning how to play Mary had a Little Lamb and Twinkle Little Star, I began to enjoy the sounds coming from my little keyboard. We started looking for another teacher that would push me harder. At one of my firsts lessons Ms. Lauro told me that piano was a language, and people who cannot express their emotions, express them through piano. Piano has increased my knowledge of culture and tested me in ways I had never anticipated. When feeling "out of tune", a simple song or even a scale allows me to channel my emotions and think more clearly. Just like a piano, the outcome of my life all depends on how I play it.
A more significant leap in my life has been my time on yearbook staff. It has taken me two years to get to the position of Editor-in-Chief of the yearbook staff. I have worked long days and nights in order to accomplish this goal. Last year, we were behind on our deadline. We were supposed to send sixteen pages to the plant but were about to only send eight. Even though my section had finished their job thoroughly, I stepped in and helped the other sections complete their pages. Even though it wasn't my job, I thought it was my duty to help the entire staff get their jobs done. Although the work can be grueling, being on yearbook staff has given me my second family. We work late nights together, we work early mornings together, and, most importantly, we eat together. As my final year on staff comes to an end, I have come to realize that yearbook has taught me what it really means to be a leader.
As I put the steps of my life together, it creates a beautiful composition. Each experience has added its own creative touch to my life.
Hello again! I might suggest that you stick to one top or find better transitions between your ideas. As of the moment, you essay seems to drift from one topic to another without much warning. Also, some parts are confusing such as: "My beginning step is my family. When I say family, I do not mean my dad, mom and two brothers, I mean my entire extended family of fifty or sixty. In my community, we don't have a word for cousin, we only have words for brother and sister. I have twenty-four brothers and sisters, as well as my thirty-three aunts and uncles that I can count on no matter what." You said you had two brothers and now you have twenty-four siblings? I kind of see that you are getting to a point that in your community you call everyone brother or sister. To clarify this, just give a little explanation as to how your community is. Hope this helps
In the first paragraph, you'd better indicate the topic you are gonna talk about. When I read your first paragraph, I thought you are gonna write about dancing. So I felt confused when I read your third paragraph about piano. You should indicate in the first period that you are gonna elaborate the different period of your life.
