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"It's been years and I'm now 17 years old" - Common application essay : Me

Deepannita 1 / 2  
Dec 7, 2010   #1
Hey everyone, here's my essay which is about my personality and how I've grown up and I'd appreciate it if you would all read it and give me your opinions so that I can make it better. =)

I'm 5 and half years old and I'm exchanging my mother's red lipstick for a baby sparrow, through the window, with Fatema, a 10 year old girl from the nearby slum. I know my mom might get extremely angry but I cannot resist the adorable creature. On the other hand, Fatema has never owned makeup and I know she will look beautiful when she puts on that red lipstick. Just yesterday afternoon, when Fatema and I were playing in the nearby field, she took me under the old mango tree and showed me the nest. Seeing the excitement in my eyes, she promised me that she'd get me the baby bird. Fatema is my best friend. My mom comes back home and I tell her the truth. All the while, I look down and wait for her to berate me. Instead, she laughs and I realize how truly wonderful my mother is.

I'm 6 and I love playing the salesgirl-customer game. I'm the salesgirl selling shoes in my majestic shop which includes a flight of grey stairs and the lobby in front of our house. I even have a black umbrella with me, just to give myself a more professional image. I have an astronomical collection of shoes of different brands ranging from my mom's high heels, dad's loafers and brother's sneakers to my very own small pink slippers. My loyal customers are my wonderful neighbors who play along and I believe that I'm the most affluent businesswoman in the whole world.

I'm 7 and I'm making my first castle today with my brother and Uncle Yousuf in the corner of our red brick building. It is pretty easy actually. First, you mix the sand with water making it moist and then all you do is carve, pat and shape and TADA! There you have it, a brown sandy castle. At first, I have a very annoyed expression on my sweaty dirty face but as our castle slowly start taking shape, Uncle Yousuf looks at me proudly and my face breaks into a radiant smile as I realize that I'm the youngest architect in the world.

I'm 12 and I have a secret. Every morning, I'm the first to arrive at school just to be able to secure the second bench behind Omar, a sweet boy I have a crush on. This is because if I come late, my competitor, Lubaba will surely occupy it and give me a gleeful smile which I cannot tolerate in the least. Since I obviously cannot tell my parents the real reason behind going to school early, I tell them that I just want to be able to sit on the first bench before anyone else can. Yes, I lie and I know it's a horrible thing to do but I feel like I haven't got a choice. So, today was no different. I gave the 'first-bench' excuse, arrived at school when the guard wasn't even dressed in his uniform, got my desired seat, had fun and when my dad came to pick me up at 2, got into the car not at all worried about what was coming up. I was staring out the window when he asked "So, why do u sit on the second bench everyday when you go to school early to secure the first?" He did not yell. It was just a simple question asked out of curiosity. I flushed. I couldn't look him in the eye. I was quiet for what seemed like an eternity and he didn't break the silence. He waited. Then, I started speaking. I told him about Omar, Lubaba and everything else not even realizing when the tears started rolling down my cheeks. When I was done, I looked up and saw that we were in front of "Dolce Vita", the well known ice cream parlor in Dhaka. Dad went inside and got me a cone of dark chocolate ice cream, one of my all time favorites. I was dumbstruck. As we sat inside the car having our ice creams, my dad made me laugh by telling me his experience of first love when he was in 5th grade, how he sent the girl a love letter and later got a beating from the teacher when the girl told her father, who immediately complained. That was it, no scolding, no threats; just a witty story was what my dad shared with me. It was then that I realized that he was my idol.

It's been 5 years and I'm now 17 years old. In these five years, I've learned to ride my red bicycle, secretly kept a black Labrador puppy in our balcony for one night and then got caught, caught dengue and chicken pox, rode a horse, went scuba diving and paragliding in Bali, went to Tokyo Disneyland, cut my hair like a boy and what not? In my 17 years of life, I have had my share of fun and experience and all the people I've grown up with, Fatema, Uncle Yousuf, who passed away a few years back, my parents, my brother and many others, have guided, inspired and influenced me in one way or another to become the person that I am today, an ambitious, altruistic and a benevolent person who has had many dreams, once becoming a businesswoman, once an architect and who dreams now, to get into college.

glaserjf 3 / 14  
Dec 7, 2010   #2
I thought it was a great essay. Very well written and engaging. The sentences below - just grammar/tense/word choice.

I have a very annoyed expression on my sweaty dirty face but as our castle slowly start taking shape

So, why do u

and then got caught, caught dengue and chicken pox
OP Deepannita 1 / 2  
Dec 9, 2010   #3
thankyou very much and yeah I'll go edit and correct the mistakes.
abhijitroy 2 / 5  
Dec 9, 2010   #4
your essay seems nice.
The cool part is the unabashed honesty and the fact that the essay is very easy to relate to. I think almost everyone will strike some sort of chord when reading it.

As a suggestion instead of saying went scuba diving.... try gone scuba diving.....

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