As the deadlines are approaching our essays, i would like some comments and critiques on my ca essay :D , thanks to everyone in advance
Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?
The Lands of Mongolia
The year 2014 was marked with an improved use of linguistics for myself. For about nine years i have studied in a school where the language of instruction was russian. And i had no problems studying in it. The troubles had began when i have transferred from that school to a Mongolian school, either way i had found myself amidst sea of chaos and confusion, being born as a Mongolian i had thought or at least hoped that i would have no problem studying in Mongolian , yet it was not. For two years i had suffered, reading mongolian text books with no avail, spending days and nights reading them, doing exercises,doing the practice tests - literally grinding. After some time my grades have improved, but i still had a feeling of a big language barrier standing in front of me, which was for me justified by the language itself.
A year had passed , a two had passed. And on the third year, the year of my graduation i knew that i had pull it out no matter what , i have created a plan of a self-discipline for further grinds and preparation for all the tests that had waited me outside the school halls. Yet the wall that had stood strong still standed as strong as if it was an immovable object. But then a miracle happened, even though i did not pull out the trick of learning in Mongolian, I have pulled out the trick of "learning" itself. The problem solver was simple enough - I was an multilingual, so the books were supposed to be found in other languages too! I had started to look for text books in other languages, which to my surprise made the studying the subjects a ton easier and faster as the meanings flew into my head crystal clear, i felt myself like the great scientists and artists of rennasaince , discovering the great knowledges of the past.
With a newly equipped weapon of academic learning. I have started to breach all the sciences that were in my way. In a way i felt even like our national hero here in Mongolia - Genghis Khan. Leaving no city nor a land left without a conquest until he said on his deathbed : my grandchildren conquer the lands that i had did not, until there would be no other land without a Mongol rule.
(as i think here, the last paragraph ruins everything and i seriously need to re-write it, so kind of still working on it, dont be too harsh , but any suggestion is appriciated :P)
That being said my life had changed, after my small self-discovery of what i can accomplish with other languages, shattering my beliefs in absolute need of teachers for learning, the one and only monolingual way of explaining the sciences be it natural or social, that are biased with cultural prejudices, which are forced upon students , even though most of us get a bilingual curriculum since the primary school... Right before i had found my "conquerors sword", as i had found the importance of being flexible in the modern globalizing world (, as well the need for breaking of cultural barrier that separates all of the humanity)
Sincerely yours
Temuulen
A lone fighter from the distant lands of Mongolia...For two years i had suffered, reading mongolian text books with no avail, spending days and nights reading them, doing exercises,doing the practice tests - literally without end
This sentence is repetitive. You say you spent days and night reading, and then add 'without end'
I think you need to use a wider range of language. You repeat many words, especially 'struggle' and 'read'.
How exactly did you find the accurate struggle? And you seem to tell a lot instead of letting your audience find out your qualities themselves.
I believe you need to seriously revise your essay.
