About me in 10 years... | Temple University Transfer | Admission Essay

Please type an essay of 2000 characters (approximately 300 words) that tells us more about you. Imagine you have graduated from Temple University. You are preparing to attend your 10-year reunion, and the alumni office has asked you to write a one-page essay about your personal and professional accomplishments since graduation. What would yours say?

Ten years have passed since my graduation from Temple University, where I have successfully achieved my goal of obtaining a Bachelor's Degree in Biochemistry. I am tremendously proud in the academic progress that I have attributed over the years and without any doubt felt that my decision to continue my studies at Temple's Graduate Studies , and furthering the knowledge and experience in the field, was one of my best decisions. Upon obtaining my PhD I felt my knowledge in the field of Biochemistry has been strengthen to its highest peak and I was left confident in that Temple has provided me the most respectable education. Since my graduation I have managed to form friendships with numerous interesting and brilliant people. From the highly respectable professors to the diverse and interesting students, I felt that I was obtaining from Temple University more than education but an experience which has changed my life forever. I was very proud with my continued relationship with Temple's Phi Beta Kappa chapter, where I have acquired many acquaintances and life-long friendships with other respectable students of Temple University, and by association was able to further discover its diverse memberships through its many chapters across the country. I am really proud that by obtaining my education at Temple University that it has helped me to become a better person, both academically and most importantly mentally. Having acquired both of my degrees from Temple, and given my time towards the many internship and research connection it had offered, I has honored with me with the admission to Philadelphia's GlaxoSmithKline division of research and development. Upon my application I was proud to admit that I was a Temple University graduate and knew that with its respectable position in the science field that I would be applying with having acquired a great deal of knowledge and that I would be an worthy candidate for their workplace. Since then I have used the knowledge I have acquired from Temple University and have been effectively putting all my efforts towards the well-being of future generations.

Still working out what else to add, hence the rather short length right now, and also whether specifying the pharmaceutical company's name is a good idea. Not sure if name dropping a brand like Glaxon is something I should do in an essay that is focused on Temple University. Comments and suggestions will be much appreciated!

I have tried some personal revising but I keep getting stuck. I am trying to use more intelligent wording and sentence structure but I am ending up with nothing to add, or sentence that just sound like crap. The topic is just too bs-friendly, which is not a direction I want to go with especially when I am competing with everyone else' essays. :(

Welcome to EssayForums Anton

So let's see.


prompt. This is a rather tough one, and as you said, you COULD bs it, but depending on what you add, this can go many ways. Think about it. TEN years after your graduation. This is also another chance to express how much you know about the school. If possible, name drop some things that stood about and how you may be still involved years later. (Clubs/Fellowships) Or even mention the wife you found at TU xD... how things have changed since then. Just an idea~ if you dare to use it


Too passive. those accomplishments have made you proud. They have made you realize how important the education and experiences you found at TU. They made you realize how much of what you learned there are truly applicable in you career.


Be creative. Don't just passively respond about the school. Talk actively about how it has changed you/molded you/etc. Also include what you did there. Things like how active involvement in such-and-such program has motivated you of ____.


Bit cliche. Yes, a good thing to mention, but it seems passive. "essentially" means that you aren't too bold :P


Woo for idealistics! :] mention that name. Be creative. Mention what you do. How your work is the most exciting thing ever~ (in better terms) and how you still remember those classes where your Professor explained "such-and-such" idea about biochem:? again, just ideas..


Run-on. high school* lowercase. Before Temple, I had just been a high school grad with an urge to succeed, but the years of hard work at Temple have made me a proud doctor with the knowledge to access a respectable science field. <still a bit rough. But narrow those ANDs.


follow me forever* You didn't just study at TU did you? what about the knowledge from internships?/research/etc


Would be a good idea. Shows creativity and more thought about what you do.

Anyways, that this essay to a personal level. Think about your high school. What about it has made a difference. The friends? The mentors? The clubs? What stood out? If you can talk about high school in a good light, then college will be 100 times better if you are willing to take the opportunities. Good luck~

Oh wow, you are just too awesome. Thank you!

Thanks for the help, I did some revising and editing and here is where I have left of for now. Definitely is heavier on content right now, which is a definite plus in my opinion. :D

Any further help and suggestions, very much appreciated!

Streamline, make it sleek:
Ten years have passed since I took my my Bachelor's Degree in Biochemistry from Temple University. I am...

I am really proud that by obtaining my education at Temple University that it has helped me to I have become a better person, both academically and most importantly mentally personally. Having acquired ...

Streamline streamline:
Since then, I have used the knowledge I have acquired from at Temple University and contributed to have been effectively putting all my efforts towards the well-being of future generations.

With the space you save by making it efficient and concise, you can write some more about your specific goals for the near future and for the distant future. :-)

Thanks! Yeah, I definitely need to learn to stop adding all the bs icing on the sentences and get to the damn point! Haha, practice makes perfect I guess. :)

Yeah, well it is a real art, like trimming Mr. Miyagi's Bonsai tree. Ha ha, maybe that is a bad example. But the point is that we should make our writing like something highly concentrated. Read Stephen King's On Writing.

:-)

LOL, Kevin! Love the Mr. Miyagi image, and I find it very apropos.

Loku--I believe the biggest challenge with this essay, as you suspected, is authenticity ("The topic is just too bs-friendly.") It's a tough one, no doubt.

I would actually advocate for more focus on what you have accomplished--giving more color and insight into your research work and your personal life--than a retrospective look back on why Temple was so great. You say that you 'feel proud' many times throughout this essay, and I think it's much less about looking back ("thanks, Temple!") than really looking forward. Temple wants to know about your vision for your future and who you want to be. This is far more telling and challenging of course.

A few tips for some content development:

-Be more clear and confessional on your personal goals. Don't overshare, but don't be afraid to be honest about what you envision and what you want. This is where your humanity and personality and values can shine through.

-How have your rltshps with Temple students and faculty impacted your career? How did they steer your research?
-What have you been working on at GlaxoSmithKline? How has your career taken off? What do you still want? I think this is GREAT to include. Expand on it. Don't be afraid to get too granular, and show exactly what your vision for your future is.

-10 years out is a unique vantage point (I speak from experience). So, I think it is also understandable to communicate a certain degree of hope for what more you want to accomplish.

I apologize if my feedback inspires another overhaul, but I do think this prompt demands a certain clarity of vision. As you said, you'll be compared to other candidates who have their futures planned downed to the last excruciating detail, and there is something very persuasive about this sense of conviction. Your essay just feels too safe. It may not detract from your candidacy, but I don't think it will add value.

This prompt allows AdComs to place students into niches and develop a diverse, talented pool of students. So, I encourage you to push your vision further and show who you really want to be. This is a tall order for a young applicant, I know, but I think you can do it.

Great work so far!

Cheers,
Janson