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Yes, I'm a maverick; Personal Statement


nerdykid1 1 / 4  
Jul 25, 2013   #1
I guess I was destined to be an anomaly the moment I was conceived. Yes, I'm a maverick. I'm very different from the society and the family I belong to. I'm the epitome of people who my society hates. I'm not an average senior in High School. I'm not an average Nepali kid in America who tries to make as many American friends as he can because he has to post pictures on his Facebook profile so that his friends in Nepal can see how different his life is here than that of his friends in Nepal. I'm a seventeen year homosexual teenager who is trying to live his life the way he wants and not the way his family and society wants him to. Yes, this is what my life is like. I walk with a poker face every single day trying to live a 'normal' life (not normal for me but for my family).

I was born a year after the war in my country started. I don't know much about the war and it's effects because I was relatively untouched by what happened during those twelve years but I knew I was involved in the war directly or indirectly. Several families were displaced, many died and thousands lost their husbands, wives and children yet nothing happened to anyone I knew. All of them were safe and even I was safe, until thirteen years later, when someone knocked on my doors and made me acknowledge with a fact that I was aware of but was also in denial of. The war in my country had ceased a few months ago but the war within me had just started to flicker and I knew this was going to have a profound effect in my life, make me vulnerable and shatter the peaceful world I lived in. That strange person who knocked on my doors made me realize that I will never be the person who I'd always wanted to be. My desire to live a normal life had always made me think I was normal but deep down I knew that I was always far from being normal. I realized that my dream would never come true.I won't say it was easy but I accepted who I was and learned to live with the fact. Being gay wasn't hard but accepting the fact that I was gay took me years of courage. I am still closeted but not in denial. However, I continued living my life, hiding my true self and creating another personality in me who would be the 'Ralph' my parents and my friends wanted to see in me. Time flew by, I continued living my life.

These are the first two paragraphs of my personal statement for a college.

Copyright: Ralph Dholakia.
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jul 25, 2013   #2
What's the essay prompt?

For the most part, your usage is fine. Most of the mistakes I caught wouldn't have been noticed by admissions readers.

I'm not an average senior in High School.

Don't capitalize "high school."

epitome of people

You can't be the epitome of "people." Ideas, not people, are epitomized.

the war and it's

There's no apostrophe in this form of "its."

I'm a seventeen year homosexual

Hyphenate "seventeen year" and than add the word "old."

safe, until

no comma

made me acknowledge with a fact that I was aware of but was also in denial of

Do you mean...

forced me to acknowledge a fact of which I was aware but that I had denied ?

safe, until

no comma here

person who I'd always

"Who" is redundant. All people are "whos."

There may be a couple more, but mostly these are pretty subtle errors.

Stylistically, there are a couple more serious issues. Whether you want them solved depends on how important this paper is.
OP nerdykid1 1 / 4  
Jul 25, 2013   #3
Thank you so much for the help. I will post the next two paragraphs by tomorrow. Would you please, proof read paragraphs too?

Thanks.

The Essay is my personal statement for Pomona College.
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jul 25, 2013   #4
Thank you so much for the help. I will post the next two paragraphs by tomorrow. Would you please, proof read paragraphs too?

Of course.

Although I'd rather edit and proofread it at my own site (which I've just created), I'll do it here if you'd prefer.

Wherever, so long as you get this done properly.

Keep in mind that I generally don't do a lot of this on Fridays and Saturdays, but I'll try to check in.
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jul 25, 2013   #5
Hyphenate "seventeen year" and than add the word "old."

I forgot to tell you to hyphenate the "old," too:

seventeen-year-old
OP nerdykid1 1 / 4  
Jul 27, 2013   #6
Can you elaborate a little more on the stylistic errors? Thanks again.
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jul 27, 2013   #7
I'll be glad to, but I'd rather see the remainder of your paper first.

To identify errors at this point would complicate matters and make your job more difficult (which is the last thing I'd want to do).

This much I will tell you now: far too many sentences begin with first-person pronouns like "I."
OP nerdykid1 1 / 4  
Jul 30, 2013   #8
Do you by any chance have an email for work related stuff? Since I am not out yet and don't want anyone I know to figure out that this essay is written by someone they know, so it would be more safe for me to email you the essay than to post it on this forum. My email id is delanoralph@gmail.com.

It would be a great help.

Thanks.


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