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"Yes, I will move"- significant experience, achievement, risk you've taken (OU Essay)


sweetsown 2 / 3  
Sep 29, 2010   #1
Please give me suggestions and revisions. They will be greatly appreciated! :)

"Yes, I will move"

"Yes, I'll move" I told my mother when she decided to move from the Bronx and I, naïve as ever could be decided to follow her. She had received her last, but not first beating from my dad and at this point I figured she was done. She wanted to leave, And she wanted to take me with her. It was a sunny summer afternoon, but not too summery because school was still very much in session. I came home from school ready to nap, because I was drained from the events that took place the night before. My mother had another agenda. Once I walked in the house, I noticed she seemed very busy and she was anxiously looking around, as if she was gathering something. "Where are you going ma?" I asked, with my tiny little 6th grade backpack still on my back. "I'm leaving" she said with a tone that was strangely casual. I continued to ask. "But where are you going?" She stopped scavenging around and looked at me. "To Ohio, Do you wanna come?" I stood back for a second, thinking about what exactly I was consenting to. I finally agreed after a few moments of staring at my shoes and thinking about what ifs. "Yes, I will move". We packed all the things we'd ever had and before I could rethink, we left New York, the city of lights. My mom left the Bronx, not only to protect her self, but also in hopes of giving me and my younger sister a better life. Without a doubt, living in a very under privileged neighborhood, and having peers who were more than 5 years older than me changed who I was as an adolescent. I grew up wanting to do things a typical 11 or 12 year old child knew nothing about. My mom was definitely right. Though I didn't want to leave all I'd ever known and the friends I thought would be life long, I made a decision to leave; one that I haven't regretted till this day. Moving to Ohio ultimately became the thing that shifted my lifestyle. It broadened the way I thought, and actually even changed the way I conducted my self in certain situations. Nevertheless, I can truly say that making the move to Ohio positively impacted my family and me.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 2, 2010   #2
I came home from school ready to nap because I was drained from the events that took place the night before. --- wow, this is a well-written sentence, a good part of the description of the big picture of the situation...

Give it a comma, though:
I came home from school ready to nap, because I was drained ...

"I'm leaving" she said, very abnormally casual. ---weird! This must have been a tough experience. Hey, do not use abnormally, because it is not a normal situation.

"I'm leaving" she said, very strangely casual.
"I'm leaving" she said, very surprisingly casual.
Actually, she SAID it casually. It has to be an adverb because you are describing what she said.
"I'm leaving" she said with a tone that was strangely casual.

Well, do it whatever way you like!! :-)

Moving to Ohio ultimately became the thing that shifted my lifestyle .
Nevertheless, I can truly say that making the move to Ohio positively impacted my family and me.
OP sweetsown 2 / 3  
Oct 4, 2010   #3
Thanks so much Kevin. Your additions defintely made my essay sound more well written.
RyanVi16 12 / 91  
Oct 4, 2010   #4
"To Ohio, Do you wanna come?" I stood back for a second, thinking about what exactly I was consenting to. I finally agreed after a few moments of staring at my shoes and thinking about what ifs. "Yes, I will move".

I think it's good but the only thing that bother me is that usually, you would answer using the words that were being asked.

She asked do you wanna come, you would say I'll come or I'll go with you. But you answered "I will move" it sound kinda strange and out of place

It's just something that bother me, no biggie.
mea505 - / 265  
Oct 4, 2010   #5
Hi Sonia!

I read your first essay and then I read through the critiques that were posted by the various people on the forum. Then, I read through your second essay. I think that you have a wonderful essay here, a very heart-felt exposition, indeed! What a powerful statement about a family!

I do have one comment to make concerning the grammar in the essay, however:

My mom was definitely right. Though I didn't want to leave all I'd ever known and the friends I thought would be life long, I made a decision to leave; one that I haven't regretted till this day.

--> In the above sentence, the last line does not "stand alone" as a sentence, and therefore, the semi-colon is not correct. It should, if anything, be a comma. You could even re-write the entire thought in the following way:

My mom was definitely right. Though I didn't want to leave all I'd ever known and the friends I thought would be life-long, I made the decision to leave, and that is one decision that I haven't regretted to this day.

Other than that, I cannot find anything wrong with the essay. Well-written.

--Mark :)


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