I'm no good in writing essays nor interpreting prompts accurately. I may not have answered one of the prompts correctly and I'm in need of revision for both my essay prompts. Any help or constructive criticism is more than welcomed!
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
It was just like any other day during school. I entered my sixth period Chemistry class and went to my seat and talk to my friends. As we completed our lesson, my chemistry teacher told us that we were going to have a test sometime this week and the classed let out an "aww." Seeing as how he let us use our notes before, I asked him if we could use our notes. Expecting a yes or no answer, he asked if I was in a social/YMCA club, Ktema Es Aei (KEA). I told him that I was and he replied with "no wonder." What he meant by this did not need to be clarified by him; it was clear that he thought lowly of me. My thoughts of my chemistry began to boil inside of me.
Ever since I made it in this YMCA club, I learned that people tend to stereotype myself and my club members as someone who isn't going to be successful in life. I received a number of negative remarks from my fellow peers. In addition to different treatment between other students and KEA members, there is also an obvious treatment between the staff members and KEA members. Staff members try to hide this behavior and claim that everyone is "equal," but all of the students know that this is a lie.
What had angered me was not the remark; it was who said it. I began to question myself on what kind of a person a teacher should be. All my life, a teacher was supposed to be equal to everybody and support their fellow students and here was one that contradicted what I had learned. This was where I had enough of these remarks and I refused to take these kinds of comments anymore.
Looking for ways to prove them wrong, I came across two quotes, "success is the best revenge" and "I do it because I can, I can because I want to, I want to because you said I couldn't." These 2 quotes were my answers and solutions to prove everybody wrong about their stereotypical views of KEA members; I would have to excel academically. From then on, I strived for excellence and only thought of succeeding. My goals had to be high, and I would have to achieve them. I had first done this by achieving a 4.0 GPA my junior year of high school, but I was not satisfied. With nothing but success and the best on my mind, I focused more and more on my academic achievements. Since then, I have always aimed for the best and refused to settle for less.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
As I was idling myself away on the computer one day, my sister had come up to me and asked what car I wanted. I told her that my dream car was a 2008 Acura TL. However, due to my family's financial status and my previous GPA, I knew that I was not going to get it. As soon as my mother learned about the cost of the car, she laughed at me and jokingly told me to get a job, and my sister had just chuckled and walked away.
A few weeks passed since my hopes of my dream car had gone down the drain; my sister had called me into her room. Wondering what I might have done wrong, I was dumbfounded as I walked towards her room. As I put my hand on the door, I prepared myself to be lectured. I stepped in and asked my sister what she needed, and she told me that she can pull some strings to get me my dream car, but I would have to meet her conditions. Hearing those words come out of her mouth left me speechless, and my mind filled with euphoric thoughts. Attempting to keep a straight face, I heard her conditions out, and without a second to spare, I accepted her conditions. As I closed the door to leave her room, I leaped for joy and threw my arms up in the air with the largest grin I could pull off.
The first condition was to earn a 3.5 or higher GPA; the second was to become employed People may see this as an easy task; however, this was going to be a challenge to me due to my laziness and lack of work experience. Nevertheless, this did not stop me, because I had my mind set on my dream car. I had gone to finish up my homework and look up more information on job resumes. Since then, every day had become a routine for me as I polished my resumes and studied vigorously.
Time progressed and it seemed like it was just yesterday that I had been called into my sister's room. I kept up with my school work and met my sister's first condition and earned a 4.0 GPA. However, my job search was to no avail, and the thought of my dream car began to slowly slip away, but knowing that this was my only opportunity, I continued my job search long after the semester ended. As I was going home one day, I received a phone call from a friend and he knew a place that would hire us on the spot based on our academic achievements. I quickly tagged along and found myself employed as a tutor.
As soon as I had gotten home, there was not a single moment where I couldn't feel a rush of ecstasy since then. I could not wait until my sister entered the door so I could tell her that I was employed and that I met her conditions. The feeling of accomplishing such a demanding task gave me confidence. The confidence made me realize that I deserve the best, and all I had to do was to prove myself. Since then, I knew that my dreams could become a reality; I could achieve anything with the right mentality.
...become employed. People may see...
Small numbers like two should be in letters, like
These two quotes were my
I think you had something meaningful to talk about for the first prompt, being in a social/YMCA club and contemplating over why its members have to deal with a stigma that comes with it. However, the specific episode could have been shortened to add another instance as well. Also, I think you could have focused around the idea of why that club members have to deal with a stigma.
For the second prompt, it seems a bit too explanatory. You should try a show not tell technique in approaching this prompt, because you are talking about an experience that is important to you.
Overall, I think the first one was done quite well, but the second one did not seem to follow up to the first one's standards.
