Hi Everyone,
I am a prospective transfer student (two years off from school); this is my common app essay for Fordham University.
I've been told that it lacks passion; please share thoughts; any input is greatly appreciated - means alot to me - thanks and it's good to be here!
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Please provide a statement of at least 250 words (no more than 500 words) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve
I withdrew from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill in 2009 to go home to New York and take care of my grandmother. It was a hard decision to halt my plan to go to medical school; but I could not imagine my grandmother not being around to share it with me. My grandmother and I have a deep, loving bond and I had to use it to be her advocate; to empower her to be an active participant in her healthcare. It was also important for me to build a relationship with my mother, so that the three of us could form an effective caregiver team.
Today, I continue this role with a renewed passion for medicine; more specifically, I learned that medicine is both an art and a science. My grandmother is receiving the best care possible because of the mutually beneficial partnerships that she, my mother and I have built with doctors and other health professionals. As much as I loved my time at UNC-Chapel Hill, my participation in this dynamic partnership is critical; this is why I seek to transfer to Fordham University.
I attended Fordham University, as a non-matriculated student, in the summer of 2007 and in the summer of 2011. I loved that every class was grounded in the importance of collaboration; it was like being in a family. This quality allowed me to learn the material with ease and I walked away from every class with tremendous knowledge gleaned from the material, from the professor and from the other students. A memorable moment for me occurred this past summer; for the first time, I was able to share my life experience as a caregiver with confidence; what I got in return was respect and interest from the students and the professor. At this moment I knew in my heart that Fordham University was the right fit for me. I believe being a student at Fordham will help me forge mutually beneficial partnerships similar to the ones that I have made in my family caregiver role. It's a wonderful balance of my two roles: a caregiver and a student.
With the maturity, knowledge, and absolute certainness of my career path that I have gained from my time off, I intend to fully immerse myself in the study of Sociology, the core curriculum and pre-medical courses. At Fordham I believe I will be laying the foundation for a life of learning. Along the way, I hope to create mutually beneficial partnerships with professors for further academic enrichment and with peers to facilitate in and out of the classroom. Also, I want to take advantage of service opportunities in the New York City area to help others in their healthcare needs. All of this will serve to build a strong foundation for my future as a doctor who links humanism with science to create mutually beneficial partnerships with patients and their families for better healthcare.
Just in this first paragraph, which is wonderful, I would already have to disagree with whomever has said it "lacks passion".
With the maturity, knowledge, and absolute certainnesscertainty...
At Fordham I believe I will be laying the foundation for a life of learning, and a deeply rewarding career which I am extremely passionate about fulfilling. ...I thought adding that might strengthen your purpose just a bit:)
Great job. This looks very passionate, shows drive and determination and is well organized and nicely written.
Good luck!
