Prompt: We know that nobody fits neatly into 500 words or less, but you can provide us with some suggestion of the type of person you are. Anything goes! Inspire us, impress us or just make us laugh. Think of this optional opportunity as show and tell by proxy and with an attitude.
I wanted my essay to show where I come from and how it has influenced who I am today but also who I want to be in the future. I know it is useful to talk about your intended major but I'm applying as undecided so I wasn't really sure how to use that. Any help is welcome. Thank youuuu. :D
I am the daughter of a young professional couple with an established life but I'm also the daughter of a struggling couple who works low income jobs and continues to fight for the future of their children. I am a hybrid. I was born and raised in Cochabamba, Bolivia for almost the entire first decade of my existence. During that time I lived a peaceful and joyful life surrounded by a large loving family, attended an excellent private school, and lived in a lovely single family home. That fairy tale was brought to an abrupt end when news came that my father's employers were going out of business. Time was running out and decisions, large decisions, had to be made. Next thing I knew we were waving goodbye to a crowed of teary loved ones through an airplane window. The next decade wasn't as easy as the first one; several sacrifices had to be made.
With the introduction to a new world my parents were now limited and had no choice but to accept hard labor jobs, my brother and I had to grow up without that tight-knit family feel, and we all had to adjust to the new ways of American culture. As the years went by and the magnitude of the sacrifice that was done for me sunk in I realized that it was up to me to make sure it wasn't wasted. This motivation shaped me into a down-to-earth, hard-working girl but overall someone who values both sides of her story.
Witnessing both sides of the coin has made me very aware of the world beyond my living room but I continue to face the world with a smile. I take full advantage of each opportunity that is given to me, I relish simple moments such as playing a board game with my mom, and I especially enjoy volunteering in several non-profit organizations and local businesses. Because I enjoy these things I see myself focusing all my experiences and motivation into my college career to not only excel in my studies but to go the extra mile and use my acquired education to make a difference in both my new community and my old one back in Bolivia. I may enjoy playing soccer, baking a cake here and there, but giving back to the ones who have helped me has always been an important part of who I am.
I really like the topic of your essay & your opening sentence is good! It caught me off guard and made me want to keep reading.
The only suggestions I have are about your wording:
In two close sentences, you use the phrase "had to be made." You might want to add some variety and change one of these sentences.
Also, the second to last sentence is kind of wordy. I might change it to something along the lines of "Because of this mindset, I plan to go above and beyond in college. A strong educational foundation will allow me to make a difference in both my new..."
In the last sentence, I might also change "important part" to "most integral part" or something like that, to show that helping others is the most distinct facet of who you are.
Oh, and there's a typo on the word "crowd"
I hope this helped & I hope you get accepted!
I think it is a very good essay , you definitely portray what your are trying to say very clearly.
In my opinion some of your sentence's such as the first and second can be made into shorter more compact one's becuase i feel they would grab the readers attention better but overall very good job :)
