prompt describe the world you come from- for example your family comunity or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
*i need alot of help with this i am usually able to write in a unique way but i have had so much trouble putting all my thoughts down so i need revision on flow grammar vocab punctuation all of it thankyou!*
* means new paragraph
*I am the youngest of three and the child of immigrant parents. My father escaped the war torn country of Afghanistan and my mother came from Germany, both hoping to improve their life, but life only came easy for a short period of time.
*As a child I remember spending most of my time wandering our monstrous five-bedroom house, observing the nature in my endless backyard and swimming in our pool throughout the day. One morning, I heard my parents whispering to each other looking distraught. They then put a large sign in front of our house and I continued to examine their worried faces.
*A few weeks later our house was beginning to empty and before I knew it, the bank had taken our house and we were now living in a two-bedroom town house with seven people. I shared a room with three others and my dad had to spend every night at my grandma's apartment taking care of her.
*After much struggle my cousins were able to buy an apartment for us in San Diego so that we could all live together and my dad would no longer have to leave every night. I now share a room with my brother and sister, which make it difficult to have my own schedule since I must adjust to theirs to avoid arguments.
*For a time it felt like it was all okay, but problems began to crash on us. My grandma began to get ill, her dementia was the worst it had ever been and she could no longer eat or drink so we got a feeding tube inserted into her stomach. More than one person is needed to take care of her now, so my parents must stay at home.
*We are currently surviving off of the salary my parents make as twenty-four hour care takers for my grandma; yet everyday we are at the edge of our seats, for she can be here one day but gone the next. Then what will happen? Not only would we lose someone so precious to us, we would lose the only source of income that we survive off of. Not only are these economic issues making it difficult to find a job; there is a chance my parents my parents might fall apart from stress.
*These struggles in my life have shaped my dreams and aspirations greatly. I hope to be someone great in life and I am determined to work hard and make a difference in my family's life and others, as well as mine no matter what comes in my direction. I want to get into a high profession so that my family can be stable once again, financially and stress free. One day we will not have to worry about how to pay the bills every month. I am grateful for what God brings and takes out of my life because it teaches me to be humble. I am grateful for the sad and happy times, for the sad times make me appreciate the happier times more. I am grateful to everything I have and am ready to work until I accomplish the world.
Hi, I will be happy to assist in editing your essay.
paragraph 1:change life to lives and end sentence. Begin next sentence with "however, life was only easy..."
paragraph 2:add the word "through" after "wandering our". Maybe change the next sentence to "...distrought looking parents whispering to eachother, and the next thing I knew...
Paragraph 3: change to "...3 others while my dad...her."
paragraph 4:last sentence seems to be a bit of a run-on. consider revising it
Paragraph 5: instead of "for a time" just write "at the beginning". second sentence is a run-on. cut it into multiple sentences
Paragraph 6: end sentence at "edge of our seats" then begin the next sentence with "this is due to..." try to incorporate how it makes you feel and how it relates to you in addition to your parents
paragraph 7:instead of saying "i want" write "i am determined to". talk more about specific aspirations and dreams rather than being vague
