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'I am the youngest of two.' - College Essay Rough Draft, someone influencial.


lrnsmith09 5 / 11  
Dec 6, 2008   #1
I just completed my first college essay and I was wondering if someone could look over it for me.

Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence:

I am the youngest of two. I have an older brother named Michael, and even though I am his baby sister he has always treated me like a little brother. That's how I grew up, playing games like kickball, and basketball during recess in elementary school, then bloody knuckles and burping contests during lunch in middle school. I was always the first girl picked for teams during my formative years and I loved helping my dad, whether he was changing the oil on his motorcycle, or building a bookshelf for the living room. I was a tomboy in every sense of the word.

I didn't really get in touch with my "feminine" side until I was in the summer of my 9th grade year. I remember walking through the library looking for one more book to complete my huge stack. I decided that this time I wanted to read something a little more mature (seeing how I was officially in High School). I put my books down and I began to examine the revolving stand that was filled with every piece of classic literature ever written. One book in particular caught my eye. The cover was boring; it had a picture of an extremely pale, slightly chubby woman wearing a white dress on the front, but the book itself looked tattered and worn out, I figured that meant that lots of people had read it and that it would be a good place to start and I added it to my pile of books. Three weeks later after I had worked my way through all of my Stephen King novels, and the first couple of Cirque Du Freak books, I found my self face to face with the pale chubby lady again. I began to read it and after a couple of false starts, I was deeply embedded in the fictional world of Netherfield Park. I was entranced by the romance between Mr. Bingley and Elizabeth's sister Jane and I enjoyed the verbal sparring between the brooding Mr. Darcy, and the prideful Elizabeth. As I continued to read about the misadventures of the Bennet girls' and their friends, I began to notice that I had a lot in common with the second to oldest Bennet girl. We both preferred to be being active outdoors, and we never were the kind of girl to stand on the sideline during a game, whether or not we were supposed to play. We both enjoyed activities other than sewing or playing with dolls (Elizabeth preferred reading, and I loved movies), and we both were very stubborn. As strange as it may sound I related to Elizabeth more than anyone else that I knew.

Elizabeth taught me a lot that summer. She taught me how to be uncompromising when it came to my moral judgment through her confrontation with Darcy's fiendish aunt Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Then how to be humble, when she apologized to her best friend Charlotte for judging her relationship with the somewhat pompous Mr. Collins, and again when she apologized to Darcy for judging him before she really knew him. As Elizabeth grew and evolved as a character, I grew and evolved as a person.

By the end of that summer alone I had read Pride and Prejudice twice. Elizabeth helped me to realize several important things. First, that the morals and codes that I set for myself are extremely important and that nobody had the right to make me break them or question them. Second, that humbleness is a key part of being a good person and that everybody makes mistakes, but what really counts is how you deal with them. And finally, that if I was true to myself, that I would truly be happy. Now that I'm a senior I look back and I am thankful that I discovered that book with the pale chubby lady that I have come to know as Elizabeth. I know that the lessons she taught me will stick with me for a lifetime.

Thanks for your help!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 7, 2008   #2
Great essay! Here is some help:

I am the younger of two siblings.
That's how I grew up, playing games like kickball and basketball during recess in elementary school, then having bloody knuckles and ...

By the end of that summer alone, I had read Pride and Prejudice twice.
First, I realized that the morals and codes that ...
Second, I realized that humbleness is a key part ...


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