Okay I know my essay has alot of grammar mistakes I am just wondering is the concept good or should I change it.
The question is How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to UChicago?
I am not done but this what I have
"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken" (Oscar Wilde). If you don't go after what you want you will never have it. Ever since I can remember I was a shy girl who let life go past her. I never fought for what I wanted or cared about and I hated that about myself. I seem to exist only to please my family and friends. When I was in 10th grade my grandfather died and that had a big impact on me. I realized that I was living my life for other people, and that I needed to stop pleasing everyone else and focus on myself for a change. I started to find my identity; who I was, what I liked and what I wanted to say. I started volunteering at hospitals where learned that I really like hospitals and watching doctors do what they do. For example I was so captivated by a doctor who saved a dying patient life. I also read to kids at libraries and organized fundraisers for starving children in Somalia. Now I am a senior in highschool and I am proud of the person I have grown to become. I am not that shy naive girl any more. Attending the U of chicago will enable me to fulfill my potential by developing my peronal interest. This university will provide me with an environment in which I can develop because University of Chicago is a place which respects my personal ideas, values and beliefs.
please help
Okay, first off, I would like to say that this topic is a bit cliche, in my opinion. Thousands of other applicants have written essays similar to this: they write about helping the society, and oh I was captivated by a doctor who saved this girl's life, etc etc
how would you stand out?
are u serious is it that bad I should change it?
The biggest problem with it is that it sounds incredibly generic. It includes details about you, but nothing about UChicago. It doesn't relate specifically to UChicago at all, and you could probably switch out any instances of 'UChicago' with any other college or university. This is decidedly...non-optimal. Admissions officers will not accept such generic work.
You haven't written anything about UChic at all! It's all just about you and how your not shy anymore...
"For example I was so captivated by a doctor who saved a dying patient life."
That is something doctors do every single day all around the world... I'm sure you've seen doctors saving patients' lives' on TV /Grey's Anatomy; that's their job. Please don't use that as an example.
Try to talk about UChic, or any program in particular that they have that intrigues you. Or about the student environment or student activities.
Take a piece of paper and write down the topic again and brainstorm ideas.
How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to UChicago?
Talk about the kind of learning they have, the community and YOUR future - what you want your future to be and how UChic is going to help build your future. Focus on these 3 things, not on how your not shy. If you want to include what you've written so far, make it really short but concentrate on these 3 things!
You also mentioned your grandfather's death had an impact on you - but how? Maybe if you can elaborate on that a bit more and replace the whole captivation with it that could be your intro for your essay!
Good luck!
