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"Youth Contact + Roommate Buddy + Good place" - Stanford 3 short essays


s1394 1 / 7  
Jul 11, 2011   #1
So, I'm trying to start early on these supplement essays so I'll have plenty of time to revise, etc.
Please give feedback; anything is appreciated! I feel like my tone in the first 2 essays are a little risky?

Prompt: 1. Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us an idea or an experience you've had that you find intellectually engaging.

Let's state this bluntly: I've spent hours of my precious time on this student whom I don't even like.
I was enthralled after being selected as a Youth Contact to mentor struggling freshmen. That is, until, I got my assignment-a girl whom I slightly knew but disliked. I've always valued my personal space, and this girl had taken an annoying liking to me, sticking to me like some barnacle. I was disappointed because I knew this program meant the end of whatever space I had worked to put between us.

This girl was close-minded, not very fluent in English, and socially awkward. I thought I was done for; I had participated to only guide students, not become an essential crutch to their lives. But, I spent time to edit her essays. I found myself drawing her anime, an art I absolutely despise. I gave her advice on boys. I sat through her twenty minute speech, trying to cut it down to the eight minute limit, while constantly sneezing from allergies. I listened, I smiled, I waited. What made me so devoted to work with her?

I discovered my love to help people. It is curious that regardless of my dislike, I still wanted to listen to her. I wanted her struggles to be overcome so that someday, her voice would come out strong among the rest of us, and she'll be the confident lady that I am beginning to see now.

Prompt 2: Write a note to your roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate-and us- get to know you better.

To Roommate Buddy:
Please don't be surprised when you see me wandering our dorm wearing a long-sleeved plaid shirt, paint-splattered running shorts, and fuzzy frog slippers. It's an odd combination, I know. You may also find me rolling around on the floor with no apparent purpose, but it's okay; I haven't been injured or anything.

I enjoy looking for jewels in the least plausible ways. I seek inspiration while acting goofy. I am myself, while lounging in my eccentric dress. This is what makes me grow each day, learning to approach goals with interesting methods. It's not only a challenge I poise for myself, but it is my self-expression.

With this, I like to shop in the clearance sections, or buy my homecoming dress at Ross, which was actually the envy of my friends that dance (little did they know how much was even spent on it!) I don't want the easy way out, by either purchasing the clothes at original price or the cheapest item there. I have to settle for what is the best for me, the jewel. It is only worth the full value when I have put forth my best into my accomplishments.

Roommate Buddy, I may not be bringing a Ferrari (unless there's one at Goodwill), but I will bring some splashes of color, show you who I am-- whether it's dancing crazily to Katy Perry or sticking my head upside down into the bed-- and I'll definitely be there when you need a friend.

Prompt 3: Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.

One year ago, I saw those palm trees. I was astounded by the never-ending driveway of towering trees, with their luscious leaves fanning out in every different direction.

Palm Drive did it. I knew I must go to Stanford because those trees were so luring; it was home. Where I live, there is only the occasional pathetic, yellowing palm tree struggling to decorate someone's yard where it really does not belong.

Stanford is my next step. It is where I can explore my interests and extend my intellectual awareness. With seven schools on one campus, I have the opportunity to enrich my education without boundary, perhaps even through conversing with graduate students. The campus is a community; it is a sunny village I can be part of. I want to call myself an artist- maybe not the Picasso type of an artist, but an artist in my field of study. To create her work, an artist must become an independent thinker though a wide range of experiences and knowledge. An artist must soak up the atmosphere around her, and Stanford provides that perfect rich blend of ethnicity, beliefs, and passions to sweep me into "the wind of freedom". At Stanford, I will not only be challenged among the top students of their high school graduating classes, but also grow into a well-rounded adult.

I was born in California, and it is time to return, to find a home among the palm trees, sun, and Frederick Law Olmsted's inspiring campus.
sweetnyangie 2 / 6  
Jul 12, 2011   #2
I agree with you that your first essay is risky. It's coming off way too strong and hostile. Something about the second essay is a little off. it doesn't quiet catch my attention as it should. You may want to fix the way you word things. I thought the third essay was really good and I enjoyed it.
OP s1394 1 / 7  
Jul 12, 2011   #3
Thanks! I'm grateful for the comments, especially since I really don't know how I should approach these essays.
If anyone else wants to help, I've revised my first essay...perhaps it sounds less hostile and pessimistic? I feel like the "dislike" portion is important to the meaning of that essay, but I don't want to sound so strong and convey the wrong impression.

Let's state this bluntly: I've spent hours of my precious time on this student whom I don't even like.
I was enthralled after being selected as a Youth Contact to mentor struggling freshmen. That is, until, I got my assignment-a girl whom I slightly knew but...disliked. Though amiable, I've always valued my personal space, and she had stuck to me like a barnacle from first sight! I was forced to admit I was disappointed; I knew this program meant the end of whatever space I had worked to put between us.

This girl was close-minded, not very fluent in English, and socially awkward. I was reluctant; only a high-schooler myself, I didn't want to be an essential crutch to her life. But, as the year progressed, I spent time to edit her essays. I found myself drawing her anime, an art I absolutely despise. I gave her advice on boys. I sat through her twenty minute speech, trying to cut it down to the eight minute limit, while constantly sneezing from allergies. I listened, I smiled, I waited. Can one person really make a difference in someone's life?

I discovered my love to help people. I was intrigued. It is curious that regardless of my dislike, I still wanted to listen to her. I wanted her struggles to be overcome so that someday, her voice would come out strong among the rest of us, and she'll be the confident lady that I am beginning to see now.
extrafresh 13 / 32  
Jul 13, 2011   #4
I think the prompt 1 is to test your ability to co-operate with people who has different personality you don't enjoy working with. It doesn't matter. Key point is how you cope with this kind of difference.

Let's see a real, good story happened between both of you, for example you two have different opinions about a project, as a team leader how you can deal with the situation and make it works smoothly.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jul 13, 2011   #5
Keep that verb tense consistent for a nice style:
I'd always valued my personal space, and this girl had...

taken an annoying liking to me, sticking to me like some barnacle. I was disappointed because I knew this program meant the end of whatever space I had worked to put between us. --Clever!! You write well!

This girl was closed -minded, not very fluent in English, and socially awkward. --It might not be good to suggest that her language made you prejudiced against her.

and let's make a small change here:
I sat through her twenty minute speech, trying to cut it down to the eight minute limit while constantly sneezing from allergies.---Oh,it was you that was sneezing? Okay, all I did wat remove a comma.

You have great detail and energy in your writing...

Prompt 3: Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.

One year ago, I saw those palm trees. I was astounded by the never-ending driveway of towering trees, with their luscious leaves fanning out in every different direction. (Add a sentence that establishes the palm tree representing some theme for this little mini essay.)

To create her work, an artist must become an independent thinker though a wide range of experiences and knowledge.---Nice! A little vague, but nice.

their high school graduating classes, but also grow into a well-rounded adult...born in California, and it is time to return, to find a home among the palm trees, sun, and Frederick Law Olmsted's inspiring campus.---All this is a little vague. I want the reader to see taht you are hell bent on achieving a particular goal. :-) Give the reader a concept to remember.
sandrasepp 2 / 6  
Jul 20, 2011   #6
In the third essay, you should say a little more of what the trees represent. Not too corny-but they are like alive and beautiful, unlike the trees where you live. They are a really good metaphor but you need to expand on it a bit
OP s1394 1 / 7  
Jul 23, 2011   #7
thank you! though I found out the third essay prompt was changed, so I need to work out a different answer for that one. but this was all really really helpful, and I'm glad you guys took the time to help :)
T9Fernando - / 4  
Aug 4, 2011   #8
Yeah, it has been changed to "What matters you, and why?"
I'm not sure about what it means. Maybe we should talk about a current issue or something else?
OP s1394 1 / 7  
Aug 5, 2011   #9
I don't think a current issue would be that important to discuss unless it is really something that matters to you. I'm assuming the essay's pretty open, just for the readers to learn about you, as always. From what I've read on different colleges, it basically boils down to the same thing-- your passions..colleges like to see that you are passionate about something and willing to develop it...

if that makes any sense haha..other than that, I suppose just take the prompt however you would like
T9Fernando - / 4  
Aug 5, 2011   #10
I'm writing about environmental protection. I write about a trash sorting program I launched in my community, and I reflect that protecting the environment makes me socially responsible. So I think environmental issues matter to me. Will this be a good topic for me to write?
OP s1394 1 / 7  
Aug 5, 2011   #11
I think so, yes. good luck! I haven't started on mine yet..not sure what to write about D:


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