This is what I have so far, and I need some insight. All help is appreciated.
UF:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
It was my Freshman year of high school when a couple of classmates told me about a youth group called USY. I was a bit hesitant about the idea- stepping into an unknown atmosphere. Hold on, Lets back track to middle school. I used to be an overweight girl with frizzy hair, connect the dots pimple face, and glasses. Nobody ever considered me a person in middle school, and I was just a lonely, unconfident and shy innocent soul. But in the summer of eighth grade, I decided I was going to get healthy, step out of my comfort zone and show them who I really am! So I lost about 30 pounds, got contacts, and finally made an appointment with my dermatologist. I stepped onto the high school campus and walked the halls like I owned the place. I felt like I was Regina George from mean girls, ALL EYES WERE ON ME. Jaws were dropping and necks were breaking, okay maybe necks weren't breaking, and I had never felt more confident in my life before.
Usually the first week of high school is pretty awkward, everyone is hesitant on who to talk to, who to sit to, you know the deal. It was my second period Spanish class and my teacher had assigned seats for everyone and I was seated in between a girl and a guy. They were both talking about a youth group and I seemed engaged in their conversation, even though I wasn't a part of it. And then they asked me if I was interested. Even though I had a hint of confidence in me, I was still extremely nervous about fitting in a youth group where I didn't know anyone. And it's hard enough making friends in school, now a youth group? Oh dear goodness, how will I be able to do this. So I thought about it all day, and I questioned myself, "what's the worst that could happen? Just give it a try".
And so I did. I decided to stop by their first program and little did I know, USY was the best thing that would ever happen to me. I was welcomed with big hugs and kisses and exciting introductions. As the years went on, I made so many friends and I lost sense of my insecurities. I learned to be happy with myself and I learned to love myself for who I was. Slowly, all of that confidence bumped me onto the Chapter Board. I was elected Membership/Communications vice president in my junior year and I was elected President for my Senior year.
With all of these lessons that I learned, I taught them to incoming freshmen and people that I saw myself in. And I helped them gain insight about their inner and outer beauty. In my mind, every soul is beautiful no matter what the past may have looked like; every person has good in them. And even if one may have messed up in the past, they still have another chance to fix it and redeem themselves.
This will definitely affect my college experience where I'll be more open minded to meeting new people, and more accepting towards the human race. I will know not to judge a book by its cover, because I honestly may not know what's written inside. Throughout my high school career I have learned to tolerate all types of backgrounds, faiths, and heritage. And I am ready to carry that onto the college campus. But the one thing that I will definitely never forget is who I was before and how much pain belligerent and uncaring people put me through; I know that I will never be one of those people and I will be more accepting towards people.
Well written essay; however you need to explain what USY is. This will give the reader a sense of the groups purpose in just a few words.
Additionally I would make the following changes:
I felt like I was Regina George from mean girls, Mean Girls, ALL EYES WERE ON ME! Jaws were dropping and necks were breaking, okay maybe necks weren't breaking, and I had never felt more confident in my life before.
This (Explain This... Sorry the use of pronouns drives me wild)perhaps my experiences... will definitely affect my college experience where I'll be more open minded to meeting new people, and more accepting towards the human race.
Also I noticed much of your essay is written in the passive voice, telling the reader rather than showing how your experiences with USY will prepare you for college. Try using some of the advanced proofing options in Word to catch stylistic errors.
Good Luck!
J.B.
I'm gonna be completely honest with you, this is one of the few essays where I actually wanted to read past the first paragraph. it's not the most formal essay I've read, but it's enticing and i feel like you're being yourself in the essay which is awesome, and I'm sure UF will love it. I agree that you should explain what USY is... other than the fact that it's a youth group. But i like how you started off in the present and went back a few years. But overall I think it's a great essay, but i I think you can combine certain sentences instead of separating one idea into 3 sentences.
Hope I helped and goodluck!
