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(my youth hockey coaches) - Person of impact


bjo 1 / -  
Oct 19, 2010   #1
The prompt was to write an essay about a person who made an impact on your life.
Please give advice!!!

Over the course my life I have been affected by people around me, parents, friends, classmates you name it. But, one group of persons or person that I feel has impacted my life, thoughts, and beliefs are my youth hockey coaches. I have played competitive ice hockey ever since I was in the fourth grade and have been drilled by coaches left and right. People always see the coaches in the movies yelling and punishing the team when they screw up. Well it's true, they yell, and yell, and yell at me like there is no tomorrow, not because I'm acting up or being a bad kid but, because they want to push me to that next level, they want me to push myself to be the strongest young man and hockey player I can be.

One specific impact I have found is that my personal expectations of myself have changed. I wake up every morning and I have the expectation that I will be working hard that day whether it's at school or on the ice. I have this expectation inside of myself to do what I have to do, or in other words get the job done. Particularly with ice hockey I'm expected to and have that expectation to come to practice to work hard, to be successful. Now what is success one might ask? It's winning! Most people would say and agree but, it's not. Being successful to me is that when you look into that mirror at night before you go to bed, do you feel like you did your best? Did you give one-hundred percent one-hundred percent of the time? That's what I believe success is, it is that man in the mirror looking back at you who could say yes I really did.

I have also kept another idea from my years of being coached. If you stopped by the rink while any team was practicing you would probably hear the lines "Don't cheat yourself" over and over again. Now, of course they are talking about the drill at that time, like someone is passed the line at the start or not stopping all the way on the line during conditioning drills. But I have been drilled with this my whole life that it has started to change my actions outside of the rink. I hate cheating whether its cheating on a test, school paper, or myself. Now how does one cheat themselves? Well it goes back to being successful, and doing everything you possibly can for the benefit of yourself or in hockey, the team.

These are some of the things that being coached has formed me into the young man I am today. They leave me in life with these expectations to myself and others. These are some of the great impacts on my life that my coaches have made on me and I feel they have made me a better, more mature young man. I hope to coach kids such as myself one day to pass on these beliefs and ideas.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 23, 2010   #2
Over the course my life I have been affected by people around me, parents, friends, classmates you name it.

Not a good first sentence. It's boring! And "you name it" does not really fit the way you used it. Let's start with the interesting sentence:

I have played competitive ice hockey ever since I was in the fourth grade and have been drilled by coaches left and right. People always see the coaches in the movies yelling and punishing the team when they screw up. ---- See? This is the great stuff... lots of action verbs.

Less is more:
Well it's true, they yell, and yell, and yell at me like there is no tomorrow, not because...

...hear the lines admonition, "Don't cheat yourself" over and over again. ----it's not "lines."

:-)

I like your style of writing!


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