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"the Youth Ministry" - Help with the ending of my UC Essay?


6209jml 1 / 2  
Nov 23, 2009   #1
i don't want to write which chuch it is on here for obvious privacy reasons. Please let me know what you think :)

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

When I first laid my eyes upon it, I was filled with awe. The intricate architecture of the massive building with the ringing bell notifying the city that it was 8 o'clock was almost enough to make me fall in love with __________ right at that moment.

When I first attended _________ School in 7th grade, I knew nothing about the Catholic faith, however, I was not at all hesitant to learn. Throughout 7th and 8th grade, I was taught the main teachings from the Bible and I really loved the messages and tried to live them out as much as I could. I soon decided to obtain my sacraments because I wanted to grow spiritually and wanted to become Confirmed into the Catholic Faith.

My classes began at the ______ Youth Ministry Program. The leaders there were great and were eager to teach, which somewhat inspired me to learn even more. These classes led me to meet new people, including the Youth Ministry Coordinator, _________. He recognized my dedication to this program and when I was Confirmed 2 years later, he asked if I wanted to be a leader for the program. I eagerly accepted and began some of my training to help other teens who wanted to be Confirmed as well.

My training began the summer after I was Confirmed. However, when my training was just about finished, the church received bad news that it was debt and could no longer afford having a Youth Ministry Coordinator. ____ moved to Arizona, and the Teen Leaders, including myself, had to take the responsibility, along with a few parents, over the entire program. This was when I took initiative because I really wanted to make this program work whether the main leader was there or not. We had a little over 200 teens coming in that next year and we needed to come up with ways to continue the program. I was part of the main group that needed to come up with how to have the classes continue without the entire program falling apart. It was really difficult and especially stressful, but after organizing the dates, making committees, and scheduling weekly meetings, the program was able to continue to be a success.

I am still a part of the Youth Ministry at ______. I have attended seminars on making myself a better leader and a better person for others to follow. I continue to try to help make the curriculum as best I can along with the Parish Life Director to make the lessons more effective and engaging. The majority of the work that I do includes: teaching weekly classes to a group of 12 teenagers; attending meetings with other coordinators; organizing retreats for all of the 2nd year teens to attend for 3 days overnight; and helping to fundraise with another Youth Ministry parent so the church can afford to send the teens to youth events outside of the Bay Area such as the LA Youth Congress in February of 2009.

This program has been a huge part of my life these past few years and I know much of my hard-work has paid off. I have gotten my mother to also become involved in the church and she, as well, converted to Catholicism. In addition, in the beginning of November 2009, I received the yearly _____ Award for dedicating and committing much of my time to this church.

I feel that my dedicated and compassionate personality will be very useful in the future with my career. I wish to go into the health/ medical field because I really love to interact and help other people. I hope to continue and learn more about how to NEED TO ADD MORE HERE. IM STUCK :/

anything would be appreciated. thanks SO much in advance. :)
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Nov 23, 2009   #2
This program has been a huge part of my life these past few years and I know much of my hard-work has paid off. I have gotten my mother to also become involved in the church and she, as well, converted to Catholicism. In addition, in the beginning of November 2009, I received the yearly _____ Award for dedicating and committing much of my time to this church.
I feel that my dedicated and compassionate personality will be very useful in the future with my career. I wish to go into the health/ medical field because I really love to interact and help other people.

Your ending is almost complete! One more statement about the role that your school had in shaping your dreams and aspirations to pursue a career in health care, and you will be done. Perhaps something along the lines of the opportunities you were given and the demands placed on you showed that you are capable and competent, and the trust you were shown bolstered your conviction to continue to provide guidance, courage, and strength to others...education is a way to put yourself in a position to use your God-given talents.

Watch your overuse of colons and semi-colons in paragraph 5. I am a master at making sentences too long, haha! Use commas for items in a series (an "item" can be more than one word as long as it is one thing), and only use a colon or semi-colon once in a sentence - if you feel compelled to throw an unruly amount of punctuation in there, the sentence is too long. I am talking from experience and guidance here...

Can I get a witness??

Blue skies!

Jeannie

This is very good, Jessica! There are some errors that a final read-through edit will bring to light, but overall, an excellent essay.
OP 6209jml 1 / 2  
Nov 23, 2009   #3
Wow, thanks a bunch, Jeannie!

I added the final bit to the conclusion... let me know if this is okay...is it too cliche?

I feel that my dedicated and compassionate personality will be very useful in the future in my career choice. I wish to go into the health/ medical field because I really love to interact and help other people. The opportunities that were given to me through the ________ Youth Ministry Program really inspired me to take on leadership roles that I had never conquered--or even faced--before. I now have learned and realized that I am capable of taking advantage of any opportunity that is given to me--big or small. In addition, I continue to hope that this university will give me many more opportunities to expand my horizons and help me to continue to help and serve others in this career field.

How is this last sentence? I'm a little iff-y about it.

Thanks again in advance! :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 25, 2009   #4
I think its a great ending, but it could be more specific. It will be much more impressive if you name the specific roles you hope to play in the field.


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