I like the intention of your essay to show that you have an impact, but one thing that I would do is cut on the detail of the activity such as
We convene at least four times to have honest, open, and profound discussions while bonding with one another.
and focus more on how you impacted the lives of the children and how this appeals to you. That will make your essay more strong and meaningful.
I hope this advice helps. Good luck with it.
Could you return the favor by giving my Yale Supplement Essay a read?