Hi everyone! I would love some feed back to the first supplement essay I wrote for University of Michigan. The essay is still in its beginning stages so yea :PEssay #1 (Required for all applicants. Approximately 250 words)
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.
"Three years ago, I decided to upload videos of me creating YouTube banner arts and desktop wallpapers on my YouTube channel. I just wanted to have some fun creating art on Photoshop inspired by video game characters and put them into perspectives and personalities different from how we knew them. However, I've never expected to meet a group of friends who encouraged we encouraged each other to continue to express our creativity through our love of video games and our interests in software. Our small group later started a community channel where we all uploaded our own videos from playing our favorite games to me continuing creating artworks. As one of the channel's co-founders, my goal for us is to express ourselves and bring joy to others who also has the same interests as we do through doing what we love. Without each other's contributions and encouragement, our community channel won't be growing at a steady pace and bring joy to ourselves and the others."
Hi David, this is a very good start to your supplemental essay. Right now I see that you have just thrown all of your ideas in there and the development is definitely scattered. No matter, it's still a work in progress like you said. So just continue along this path and I think you will be able to come up with a very impressive supplementary response.
Take note of the way that your current paragraph has at least 3 main points to the essay response that you should use or discuss in separate paragraphs within the essay. The wya that you became a member of the community, your helping to found it, and most specially your objectives for the community need to be the highlight of the essay. So make sure to develop those areas as fully as you possibly can :-)
I look forward to reviewing your completed response soon :-)
Some sentences did not read smoothly.Such as this one-However, I've never expected to meet a group of friends who encouraged we encouraged each other to continue to express ...
And I believe you can also describe how you meet the group of people that shared the same interests with you.
Maybe speak about how you guys gel together as a community. Also "perspectives and personalities different from how we knew them" this doesn't really make sense. I assume you mean portraying them in new light but try to clean that part up a bit.
Otherwise the essay is pretty good, it speaks of a community you built which is amazing.
Thanks for the feedback from all of you! Here's what I have so far based on your suggestions. I developed a few areas like you asked, but I might need some extra help if there's any more that I could develop.
Three years ago, I decided to upload videos of me creating YouTube banner arts ...
Hi David, I have a suggestion as to how you can better improve your statement in 178 words:
When I first uploaded YouTube videos of me creating banner arts ...
So your options right now will be to either use the above as a basis for your next revision, or submit this version of your response with your application packet. The choice is yours :-)
Louisa, I used your suggestion as a basis for my revision. I liked how you made my essay more clear and concise! However, I kind of wanted to let them know more about our specific interest like the computer software part so I kept that part.
When I first uploaded YouTube videos of me creating banner arts and desktop wallpapers, the last thing that I thought would happen would be that a community would emerge from my interests in video games and computer software.While I was just having fun creating Photoshop art, I did not realize that the comments being left on my channel came from other content creators as well. I had managed to find a community with like interests and a passion for uploading videos that conveyed our love for what we were doing.
I later started a community channel along with a few other content creators from the community. The community channel is where we all uploaded our own videos from playing our favorite games to me continuing to create my own artworks. While our community was off to a slow start, I made sure that, as a founder of the group, we always expressed ourselves in a self-satisfying way and that our work always brought joy to our viewers. Now, our channel has grown at a steady pace and has grown in members because of the welcome they receive and achievements they accomplish through the help of our cooperative group.
Thank you so much for your time and help!