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"Yuimaru spirit" Why Beloit, piano lessons (not whole)


aona105 7 / 38  
Jan 15, 2011   #1
Hi !! I need your help again, the last answer to Beloit supplement. but only some parts which need grammar checking.
yup, the deadline is TODAY omg, I really need somebody to check my grammar!! I greatly appreciate any comments or suggestions !!!!!! and I'll see yours, too :)

Thank you so much!!!!

What should the Admissions Committee look for in you, beyond your transcript and scores, and why is Beloit among your college choices?

Although I am not the student who always sticks with friends and go to the bathroom with them, I always acquire deep knowledge not just by myself but by learning with my friends. Being in classroom and asked to help, I always had to face the fact that how I was ignorant of my ignorance, and found how difficult it is to help other people who have different views. But all the more, it was most purely-pleasurable moment for me, the moment when there were many lessons to learn about."How can you say this logic is wrong? Come on, explain it and convince me." We are often harsh to each other, demanding more and more convincing explanations. Well, it's true we often end up being lost for words and rush into the library or review the textbook carefully. But there is always the moment that we finally find what we seek and say, "Hey, I got it! You know what --- " and excitingly share the new knowledge with each other, ultimately with great satisfactions. Such learnings and helping with my classmates in the small competitive school taught me the importance of the "Yuimaru-spirit", the Okinawan traditional spirit of cooperation in a community. In Okinawa, we have firm community ties which has disappeared in mainland Japan. As an Okinawan, I'm proud of having this spirit, the invisible connection among people which I've found in teaching each other with my friends, helping neighbor children practice the traditional dance Eisa, or leading the school volunteer activity and the school chorus club.

Beloit, I believe, is the best place for me to seek my potential and enhance my strength; I've gained a leader ship in a school chorus club and a local community, a persistence from my piano lessons over 14 years, and a strong intellectual curiosity which always makes me energetic.
charpay_k 5 / 13  
Jan 15, 2011   #2
Try to polish: 'Being in the classroom and asked to help';
Check:....moment for me, when....('when' replace 'a moment which' will make the sentence more clean and smart!);
Try to rewrite 'having a spirit' as it is not a common expressing
Check the last sentence: 'leadership' (not 'leader ship')

Overall, I think your writing is good as you wrote with experiences which really impressed me. However, there are still spaces for you to improve.First, it seems that the structure of your essay is not clear enough. Maybe you should organize your ideas before you write, and check again after you write the whole article. Also, your expression is not so common, formal and native that sometimes I was confused about the meaning of your sentences. I suppose you can ask your English teacher to refurnish your writing.

By the way my dear, If you need urgent help, please do not hesitate to contact by e-mail so I can try my best to assist as soon as possible. my ADD is: charpay_k@hotmail.com (this is also for my MSN)

(Also you can skype me, and my account is: charpay_k)

All the best to you!


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